Tuesday, December 16, 2014

All Things Must Pass

2014 has been a rough one for me and it looks like December is going out with a bang.  I can say, Noah is putting forth effort and is making good choices right now.  I think he has seen how the stress has physically taken a toll on my. My body is literally ill from it all. I have never been this sick.  I barely have any energy. They have diagnosed me with Whooping Cough but are now checking to see if I have heart problems too.  My feet and ankles are swelling.  My hands are retaining fluid. I have gained 12 pounds in one week from fluid retention.  Yesterday was incredibly tough.  I lost my uncle in a house fire.  The toughest part is knowing he was literally on fire and his daughters, my cousins saw this with their own eyes. They are only 18 and 17.  They tried to save him but could not. He has only one leg and gets around in a wheelchair.  They tried their hardest to carry him out but the fire was too bad, they had to leave him. He did manage to crawl some but fell short of the front door by 5 feet. Those poor girls living with this image. They have been telling everyone they are sorry, they tried. My heart is so deeply aching for them.  I know how it feels to lose your father but not like this and to feel guilty.  They lost everything, their home and their father. Their mother is not in the picture. Here is the news report if interested.  Please say prayers for my cousins.

I feel so helpless...

My oldest called crying tonight. I wish I could protect his heart.  He is such a wonderful young man and deserves someone to treat him right.  My heart hurts for him too.

I feel so helpless...


Thursday, December 4, 2014

Happy List~ Love, Cardinals, Cuteness, Tree Trimming

No matter how dark it feels, you always need light in your life and this is why I love Happy List posting...

I am so HAPPY I received my new lap top in just two days after I purchased it online.  I was not expecting it for another until December 6.  Now, I will be able to post more often again (as long as Noah is not acting up too much.) and touch base with all my favorite bloggers again.  HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!

This was my highlight on Thanksgiving, as I posted it was a horrible one but I did have two HAPPY things, one I posted that I saw a Cardinal driving home.

 "A cardinal is a representative of a loved one who has passed. When you see one, it means they are visiting you. They usually show up when you most need them or miss them. They also make an appearance during times of celebration as well as despair to let you know they will always be with you. Look for them, they'll appear."
Picture and saying from Facebook

I believe do believe this about cardinals, my Grandpa Rich told us grandchildren this years ago.

Next highlight on Thanksgiving was Taj's conversation with Emily.
Emily: "Who's that?"
Taj: "Noah"
Emily: "Who's that?
Taj: "Ethan"
Emily: "Who's that?
Taj: "Josh"
Emily: "Who's that?
Taj: "Uncle Matt"
Emily: "Who's that?
Taj: "Noah"
Emily: "Why is he not Uncle Noah,Uncle Ethan,and Uncle Josh?"
Taj: "Cause they are my brothers"

Todd and I have always thought this little boy since a wee little barely moving around thinks he is one of the boys.  It is so funny to hear what he said. He had everyone laughing.

Sunday we had the kids over and we decorated the main tree.  Unfortunately Emily was unable to make it, she had to work.  Sunday's have been my favorite through out the past two months. My boys come home for dinner and I have all four of them together and they play card/board games and giggle with one another as back in the time when they were little.  The month of November we had Kera and Emily (once because she works most Sunday nights) over to celebrate all the November birthdays we have for dinner as well.  Typically the girls come over on Tuesday night for dinner and to watch Sons Of Anarchy.  I love it when the house is full and I hear their laughter.  Kera is getting into the card/board games too now with the boys.  I think this is a very good thing and it makes me very HAPPY.  Here are a few photos of the kids putting the decorations on our main tree.  I will post our holiday decorations another time. 
 Kera,Taj,Noah, and Matthew's arm.
 Kera, Joshua, Ethan, and Taj's head.
All of a sudden we kept hearing: "Hey guys.  Where's Taj?"
It was a tiny voice too.
Then we heard tiny giggles...
 ...same tiny voice: "Here I am!"
 "Ethan!   Carry me upstairs please?!"  
Ethan will do just about anything to make this kid giggle more.

 I do not think I ever posted a picture of my Grandparent Wall display.  I remember posting I was going to but never did. Here it is. I am very HAPPY with it.  I let Todd pick out our pictures with him.   These are his favorites.
hmmm... maybe I need to fix the picture on the bottom. 
It is hanging crooked. ha ha ha

What do you have to be HAPPY about?


Wednesday, December 3, 2014

December Goals

It is a blog hop, so click on the Monthly Goal button and you will see those who play along post as well.
Monthly Goals

  • Continue and build on work out regimen  FAILED BIG TIME-  I have been sick nearly all of November.  Working out sends me into a coughing frenzy.
  • Lose 10 pounds FAILED BIG TIME- I gained a pound.
  • Complete two books  SUCCESS  
  • "Tree of Life" Painting Class with Noah  SUCCESS- A day we both enjoyed.
  • Painting for Emily's Christmas Gift  SUCCESS
  • Painting for Joshua's Christmas Gift FAILED
  • Ethan's Senior Pictures Take Two  SUCCESS- Although the cost was a lot more than I wanted to spend and I have way too many, I am very happy with them and had a wonderful time spending with just him. He deserved to have pampering. He has had rough year as well.
  • Have A Wonderful Thanksgiving  FAILED- I had the worse Thanksgiving I have ever had this year.  I knew it would be rough being the first year without my Dad but to be honest, that did not even weigh in to the worse ever.  The fact I was so worn out from being so sick, Noah running away two nights prior, and Todd's Mom getting so mad at us because we were leaving like we always do to get back and shop.  His sister came very late so everything started very late.  It was horrible, the yelling, the crying, the stress.  The possibility she will not come to our house now for Christmas. 
  • BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING SUCCESS - Although we were late and did not get two of our items on our list, we did have success.  All of my shopping but two items are done now.  One big thing I bought myself is a new lap top.  I cannot wait.  I will be posting regularly again.
  • Decorate for Christmas In Progress - Our Main Living Room has been completed.  If I were not in bed so much during my four day weekend it would have been completed.
November slipped through my hands. I shut my eyes for one brief moment and the month was gone.

I would like to say take it easy, but during the holiday season, I cannot sit back and take it easy.  Although I was in the Christmas Spirit at the beginning of November I am not now BUT I will show Christmas Spirit no matter what. I have a little boy who comes to our house regularly and he is so into Christmas this year. I have shared with all the kids I will be baking only Christmas Cookies this year, no other candies. They all were disappointed but I told them I had no energy this year for the baking, I will do all of it again next year.

  • Bake Christmas Cookies
  • Paint Joshua's painting
  • Paint Taj's paintings
  • Paint Taj's name
  • Finish my Christmas Painting
  • Take a painting class
  • Finish my Christmas Decorating
  • Visit my family in Des Moines
  • Read one book
  • Get better
What goals do you have?


Sunday, November 30, 2014

Sunday's Song...plus a little more.

Last week I listened to The Beatle Brunch hour and heard a song I have not listened to for years.  It is a peaceful song and Ringo sung it (he is not the best singer of the group) I still love it.  John wrote the song for Julian and let Ringo record it.  It reminded me when the boys were babies.  I would rock in my wooden rocking chair and sing this song to them every night.  
I have such beautiful memories of each of them when I listen to this song, however now my heart is breaking as well today.  I look at my youngest and cannot figure out for the life of me what went wrong.  Monday I will have to do something very difficult, well the first step.  First I have to call the court house to see how long this shoplifting class is that I have to take time off of work to take Noah too in order to avoid going to the juvenile court system.  Next I have to call Four Oaks Residential to see if our insurance will cover admitting Noah to the behavioral residential treatment.  If not then I need to see if the court will order it.  I know Noah is going to hate this but he has left me no other choices.  He ran away again.  He has called me a Bitch too often and tells me he can do whatever he wants way too many times.  Ethan fears graduating because he does not know what to do next.  He wants to go to college but he is terrified because he knows he cannot afford to go to college and live on his own.  I explained he does not have to move out he can live here and go to college it will be more affordable but he told me he cannot keep living with Noah the way he is.  It is so frustrating to him to see how he turns from his family, how selfish he is and mainly how disrespectful he is to me.  He feels Noah does not appreciate anything.  The therapist told me Saturday it is time for the residential treatment.  Noah is on a path of self destruction and is fighting all the help he is getting.  She told me Noah may kick and scream about being admitted as well.  I hate that it is so close to Christmas and know he will be locked up somewhere but Noah has made this choice.  I hurt so much for all of my children.  Each of them are being affected by Noah as well.  I just want to go back to the simple days and hold them in my arms or have them sit on my lap and sing to them.


Saturday, November 29, 2014

What happened to November?

I have not posted much this month.  I decided to skip my traditional Thankful Thursday, well because I was not sure if I could come up with four different post to be thankful for.  Yes, I am thankful for all the support everyone has given me.  I am thankful for my friends.  I am thankful I have three sons who actually appreciate their Mom and realize everything I do is for love for them and they get more than they thought they did.  I am thankful for my new job and I am thankful for my step-daughters.  I am thankful for my grandson and husband.


I have been struggling this month.  It has been hard to get to a working computer. My lap top is nearly dead and Todd has the main computer but I do not want to complain about that because in two weeks I will only see my husband on the weekends and we will have breakfast with one another because in two weeks his new hours will begin 7 pm to 3 am.  I work 10:30 am to 7 pm, so for now he can hog the computer all he wants because I am still in the room with him.

My main struggles are Noah.  What is new right?  The shoplifting really did a number on me.  I think it pushed me to the edge.  I have been sick ever since.  I am worn down emotionally and now physically as well.  Noah ran away again on Tuesday night.  We had to call the police again to aid us.  I am so sick of this fake person in Canada!  SERIOUSLY if it were not international I would be pressing charges on this person.  Noah's therapist feels I still should but told me it will be more difficult. 

Thanksgiving was horrible.  Todd's Mom was angry because she forgot we were leaving early because of Black Friday Shopping.  It was very very drama.  We are not sure if she plans to come to our house for Christmas now.  It is a mess.   I miss my Dad.  I did see a red Cardinal on Thanksgiving night when I was driving home, maybe it was my Dad checking in. to let me know he was with us. 

I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving.  I am sorry I am late in the game to wish you all it.  

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