Monday, June 26, 2017

Troubled But Working On It

I really do not know how to even begin this post.  I wanted to share what I have been going through the past year or so.  Many thoughts have gone through my head debating to share or not. I could make some not follow me was my fear but then I thought I lost followers when I posted the battle of Noah so what will change?  My blog is to share my life so here it goes...

As some of my followers can tell I have been fighting depression pretty fiercely. My battle began when my dad passed then 13 days after spreading his ashes finding out that my youngest tried to hang himself. It was a serious attempt. The next two years many hospital, ER visits, trouble with school, running away. Finally with proper medication and therapy he has turned the corner. This has taken a toll on me.  It has taken a toll on my husband as well.  We still battle some things but some have had major improvements.

I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped trying to work on me and trying to be healthy. I cannot tell you the last time I took my diabetes medicine.   I had my husband who was my rock.

Last summer I came across some emails. Emails from another woman and my husband. I was devastated. He never met her but I felt so betrayed. I emailed her and I thought their friendship was over only to find out this spring it continued.  Again I confronted him and he ended it. 

I never shared until recently with him how much this truly hurt. I hurt so much I had harmful thoughts myself. I thought here I am unworthy of someone being dedicated to me.  I sat many nights crying and alone thinking and imagining deep cuts in wrists, mentally feeling the blood dripping wanting to release the pain inside.  I so had no intentions of killing myself nor could I ever act in them when I was trying to help my son.  I just wanted to not hurt any more.

I know my husband loves me. Yes, I get angry at him from time to time. I do feel he was scammed some by this woman because of the money she received from him.  My husband is way too trusting. What I do not get is how a woman can continue this friendship after knowing the harm it was doing in the marriage except she wanted the money.

I do blame my husband too.  My security was ripped out from under my feet. I never felt loved like I did until I met my husband. He helped me start to like myself but the two of them destroyed what I was finally rebuilding.  I never thought I would say I hate someone I have never met but I do not like her.  My husband thinks she is such a nice person but how can someone nice continue with emailing like she did?  If I had an opportunity to talk to her I am not sure what I would say except why?  Why would you do something like this?  Again, I know he has a part in this as well.   I know he too is battling mid-life crisis.  I know this is horrible but I hope Karma hits her and her entire world is flipped.  It took me 38 years to find someone who treated me with respect and she assisted with tearing me apart.  D I hope you read this.

We are working on our relationship. I want to stop hurting. I know he loves me and wants this marriage. I just hope he is strong enough and walks away so to say.  I also am fighting empty nest syndrome some as I posted previously and I am in pain. 

Now, I have experienced some good times. I am ready to share my enjoyment now. My next posts will be about the positive in my life.   


Sunday, March 12, 2017

Slow Down ~ Stay Little A Bit Longer

Life is definitely changing, always changing.  I love my new position at work.  I am finally getting used to the "normal" hours and I will be able to dedicate a couple of nights to my blogging again and reading my favorite bloggers/friends.

In the midst of it all, I have seriously became old ... my body aches so much any more.  I am seeing a doctor to assist with the pain.  The end of March and the beginning of April are my worst time of year.  This year I hope I am able to concentrate on the memories and love of my Dad and concentrate on Emily's baby shower for our new little soon grandchildren.

I think I am battling some Empty Nest feelings.  My boys are growing up and they reach out to me very little.  Christian (Noah) will be graduating in a year.  He is not ready one bit to be on his own but it is always a battle with him to do what he is supposed to do.  He is terrified and does not want the time to come either.  Joshua, I rarely talk to since he moved to Florida.  He is not good calling me or texting me.  He keeps in touch with his brother Ethan and Kameron, Emily's boyfriend, and friends on PlayStation 2 games.  They all play and talk to one another.  Kameron keeps me updated with what is going on with Joshua.  Ethan rarely chats with me.  He is busy with his friends and gaming too, he will show up once in awhile for Sunday dinner.  Matthew, I do talk more to him since he started working where I do.  I love being able to talk to him daily and see him again, but before he worked there he too did not keep in touch with me.  I will call or text them, they rarely answer.  Once in awhile I will get a "I love you too." back.  Why is that?  I think girls keep in touch better with their Mom's than boys do.  I miss my boys...


Friday, February 17, 2017

What's Happening In My Neck Of The Woods

I have had so much goodness since I have last posted.  Here is a recap:

You all know how we love the Cubs here in our house.  Well, the Cubs wanted to thank their fans and give us the opportunity to see the World Series Trophy and have our picture taken with it.  At first I thought we were going to travel to Council Bluffs, Iowa to see it but then I found out it was going to be in Davenport, Iowa which is closer.  I rushed home to tell my husband only to find the day the trophy was going to be in Davenport it was also going to travel here to Iowa City and the next morning it would be in Cedar Rapids.  Unfortunately I was unable to get time off from work when it was in Iowa City but I do not even think I would have had a chance either to actually see it.  The first 500 were guaranteed to see the trophy.  People camped out over night, well okay the students camped out over night.  The trophy was on campus and there were nearly 2,000 people in line and it ended up close to 800 people were able to see it before they packed up the trophy for the next destination which was Cedar Rapids. 

Now, Todd and I have no problems standing in line for hours we do this on Black Friday.  Todd left first at 4 am in order for me to shower and get ready for work.  That was the plan but when he left, I could not fall back to sleep I tried to because the original plan was for me to sleep another hour and half since I was going to go to work and he would be able to sleep but I could not sleep so I hurried up to be with him an hour after he left without a shower. (I should have thought that through a little more since we were taking pictures.)

It was in the low 30's and very cold.  I also did not think it through very well with the shoes I chose to wear.  They definitely did not keep my toes warm.  After standing outdoors for nearly 4 hours the doors opened and we went inside and stood for another hour.  Literally it hurt to walk because my toes were so cold.  Inside they had time to thaw as we stood. 
Excited we were inside, warm and waiting our turn.  Oh, I forgot to tell you all we were number 15 and 16 in line.  I know the picture does not show it but we were excited, cold, tired and excited.  Actually during the picture I was thinking "Crap, I should have put some make up on and did my hair."  Ha ha ha  
Soon after I drove back home took an hour nap and then jumped in the shower and got ready to go to work.

February means close to the end of wrestling season.  This is another sport we enjoy.  Todd will be going to the NCAA Wrestling Tournament next month to cheer on any Hawkeyes that make it to the tournament.  This year I will not be able to join him.  I will explain more on that in a bit.  We have gone the past couple of weekends to the Preliminary State Tournament and then State Qualification Tournament.  Todd's nephew, well mine too, is a Senior this year and he started the year at 4th in the State with his weight class and division.  Until last week State Qualification he was 1st in the State and had only one loss.  At the qualifications he lost his first match and was able to wrestle back and win, only the top two move on.  Yesterday was the first rounds of eliminations at the Boy's State Tournament and he won by pinning his opponent.  He went into the tournaments ranked 4th and is up against someone equally good today.  I wish him well.  This is his third year going to State, the first year he finished 12th, last year was 8th, he is hoping to make it to the podium again this year.  

Above is a picture of him beginning his pin at the Qualifications.  An additional bonus of seeing Austin wrestle and spending time with Todd's sister, we also get to see our great nephew, Adrian.  I think he is such a doll.  Here is is cheering on his uncle at the State Tournament.

My favorite holiday is during February, Valentine's Day.  I show my love all year for my family and my sweetheart.  This is my favorite day for so many reasons, mainly because it is a holiday about love and so many people are celebrating love on the same day.  It is also my favorite because my Dad made this holiday very special to all of us when we were growing up.  It was the one holiday I knew he would not be drinking as well.  Todd did a wonderful job with the flowers he picked up for me.  I absolutely love the vase.

Last weekend after the State Qualification Tournament we rushed home to get ready to go to Emily's and Kameron's house because they were going to do a gender reveal of the twins for the grandparents.

All I can say is I am thrilled with the reveal; so thrilled, as soon as we left the house we went to the store and picked up outfits and then went home and ordered more.  The next day they FINALLY announced on the Internet they were expecting.  Here was their announcement.  I absolutely love it. 

My next happening is a big one too!  I was promoted to QA Analyst.  The position I wanted since I was hired.  This last week has been very stressful because I have been wearing two hats, Team Lead (which is Assistant Supervisor) and training for QA.  My Supervisor was also out of the office.  I worked four - ten hour days to have today off.   I am going to QA the team I am currently on to start with, which is the largest client and the most difficult I have been told.  They feel this will be an easier transition to start with since I have all the access and know the client after I am at ease I will gain more clients.  I am so thrilled because I get to pick my hours and if I need to I can work from home from time to time.  Beginning Monday I will be working normal hours again, I am going to try 8 am to 4:30 to start and if there are days I have later meetings I will then adjust my schedule.  I love this because I will be able to cook the dinners again, eat at a normal time, see my husband more, keep up with the house work during the week and actually enjoy the weekends again.  This will also free up time where I can blog more often again and visit my favorite/friend bloggers.  Life will be normal again.  It is because of my recent promotion and training I will not be able to join Todd next month in St Louis at the NCAA tournament.

My last great thing that is happening is Joshua is back in Iowa this week.  He will be here in about 30 minutes.  I worked and put in my 40 hours in four days to have today off to spend with him.  He plans on spending time with friends tomorrow but will be at our house for dinner and then to spend the night before he heads back to Des Moines and spend time with my Mom before their flight.  It will be so great to see him and McKenzie.  With that said, I have to go so I can set out clean towels in the guest bedroom for them.  I will see you all soon.  Thanks for sticking with me and my crazy life schedule.



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