Well I did it! Less then a month ago I bought 3 shorts. Yes, I said shorts. I haven't worn shorts for years. The last time I did was 11 years ago while I was pregnant with my youngest, before that would have been the Summer of 1979. That was the Summer my Father told me I was fat and kept saying it to me. That was the Summer I started my dieting...in 6th grade! I truly thought I was fat because why would a Father say that if it were not true. I look back at pictures of me, and trust me, I was far from being fat.
Present day, we still have no air and it has been a warmer then usual late Spring. Summer isn't even here officially and we have broken record highs. It's so humid. I couldn't stand it. I broke down and bought 3, very comfy lounging shorts. When I bought them, I thought to myself they would be for home only. I couldn't see myself stepping out in public or outside my own yard wearing shorts.
Past events this week, I have reflected a lot. Why? Not why me, but why do I still have such low self esteem? I have this wonderful man who loves me. He feel in love with me at this size, not the younger Jolene that truthfully, without her knowing it, had a nice figure. Why do I continuously think I need to have everyone approval? Do they care what I think about what they are wearing or what they look like? NO! I don't judge them and if they did judge me, then truthfully, they are not worth my concerns. I have 4 wonderful boys who love me and tell me the one thing they would change about me, it isn't less grounding or disciplining, it is how I view myself.
So with the love of these 5 wonderful men, why would I care, I should be comfortable too. Our city has free outdoor movies on Saturday nights during the Summer. Last night was suppose to be the first, "Shrek". I thought it would be great to pop popcorn, grab some treats for the younger 2 and let them invite a friend. When it came to leave, I thought, oh, I need to change because I'm wearing my shorts. I went back into my bedroom and thought again, No, I look just fine and off I went...downtown...in public wearing my shorts. Guess what? Not one person stared at me, pointed at me, nor laughed at me. I took a big step last night, there is no turning back now.