What a week it has been. Such an emotional roller coaster, home and work. I will start with work.
WORK: I feel very unappreciated at work and taken advantage of by my supervisors. It's funny, I hear from other department management on what a great asset I am to Mercer and how they would love for me to be in their department. My management, they rely on me a lot. When they are looking for policies or protocol, they ask me because they know that I know what they are looking for and where they can find it YET they will not allow me to do anything more then what they have me doing now. We have a position in our department, one that is a BA level. I have tried for this position prior. The first time a year ago and was shot down because they wanted my expertise with the dependent eligibility audit because, well that is my baby. I have trained 2 others now. In March I attempted this position again but was told I couldn't because I was on a verbal warning. Something they do frequently to me to keep me in our department. NOW I was 3 weeks away from getting off said warning and the HR Rep was very surprised that they didn't overlook the 3 weeks. I think it was because one of my co-workers and good friend wanted the position and I think they want her to do this as well. They were going to let her until the HR Rep found out that the supervisors just happened to not follow through with the paper work for her verbal warning that she was just received 2 months prior. Once my 3 weeks were over, the position was then withdrawn, they felt they didn't have a need for it. Now she is off her verbal and behold the position opens up again. As I said, I tried for the position and the next day, she was informed by one of the supervisors that the position was available again. Now, I love this friend but seriously, if she gets this it will be because they are hand picking her not because she is more qualified. She does not even have a BA, so I don't know why she would be able to even post for the position. I want to say something but I don't want to create problems for her either. I JUST WANT AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY FOR GROWTH TOO!!!!
HOME: Sunday, I had so many emotions when the boys came home from spending 4 days with their paternal grandmother and aunt. We sat around the Kitchen table talking. It's great to have Matthew active in our lives again. While we were sitting there Joshua verbally attacked Matthew and had very aggressive behavior towards him. I think he was jealous somewhat with the attention Matthew was giving to their cousin Jordyn. I agreed with some of the things Joshua said but also understood Matthew's points as well. I just sat there basically staying out of it. Last year, Ethan had felt very left out and was treated like a little kid when Jordyn was treated as a teen. There is only 4 months between Jordyn and Ethan, however a year in grade due to when their birthdays fall, also girls tend to mature faster then boys do. Before the boys left I made it a point to remind them how Ethan felt last year.
**Pause, I think I need to explain Jordyn before I carry on** Jordyn is their uncle David's first born. She was the first granddaughter. Jordyn has always been treated as if she is perfect and Ethan has been the forgotten child. His picture was not even added to their grandmother's wall until he was 2 years old, this only after I pointed it out to my ex-husband at that time. Jordyn has a lot of characteristics that Matthew has and she is into Goth like Matthew did at that age. Matthew sees a lot of him in her, however she is right down bratty to her brother, unlike Matthew was to his brothers. Poor Jon could do nothing right. Recently they found out that David has this family disease and he has taken it not well. He has become depressed and is drinking a lot. I guess he interacts the best with his son Jon, so now Jon has become Dave's favorite and Jordyn, unfortunately she sees the wrath when Dave is drunk.**
So, back to the boys. Joshua was telling Matthew how he has a blind spot to Jordyn, how he treats her great and left Ethan out again. Matthew explained that Jordyn needed the time, but Joshua pointed out that it shouldn't be at the expense of Ethan. This went on for nearly 20 minutes then Matthew told him that he is not sure where this aggressive behavior came from and that this is not the right time to get into it with Ethan sitting right there and he felt that it could be making him feel bad. Joshua pipes up well that is because you have a cousin crush on her and if you don't like it then leave. Hmmm...that is when I spoke up. I firmly said NO. No he does not have to leave. None of my children will ever tell another child to leave unless they are harming another. Joshua apologized and stated he was wrong that he told him to leave, then picked up his stuff and left the Kitchen. Ethan said that he agreed with both Joshua and Matthew when Matthew told him he was sorry.
I felt bad for all of them, but mostly Ethan. Ethan is having such a tough time with hormones...13 is such a tough age on the child as well as the parent. The child can be sweet one second and then Damon from 'The Omen' the next. I have been seeing Joshua's personalty changing over the past month. One I am not enjoying at all. He lies about where he is, he takes off without asking and informing anyone where he is at. He refuses to find a job because he does not see any point because he should be having fun instead of working. He is becoming somewhat of a player, I hate this. In a two week period, he made out with a strange girl coming home with a hickey, confessed his feelings for another talking all week, then having his ex come over and well things happened that shouldn't have happened.. This ex has such strong feelings for Joshua, this will not help her one bit. I guess Matthew had talked about this as well on the way home, how he is not an adult and how he shouldn't just take off like he does without talking to me. He also shared his feelings about how Joshua has been acting with females. This may be some of the reason Joshua was aggressive with him.
In one of my conversation I shared with Matthew how I felt about the way they treat me and their Father. Well he asked me a question that led to it. I told him I don't want this to come across wrong because I want them to have a relationship with their Father and it may sound like I'm jealous but truthfully it's just frustration. They all can spend hours laughing and talking to their Father whenever he chooses to call or rarely sees them. He gets to be the "buddy" when actually I feel he has abandoned them as he has him Mother, Sister, Brothers, and Niece and Nephews. I put all the "parenting" into them. I'm there through good and bad, yet I'm the bad one because I have to be the only one who is parenting. I understand I am the one with the physical custody, but their Father does not stand behind me one bit, he actually encourages them to go against me. How I think their Father is wrong for encouraging Joshua to go to college in another state because Joshua has no concept of how much more it will cost him and he refuses to work to save anything for college. After I shared this with Matthew, he had tears in his eyes. He told me he was so sorry for the way he treated me the 2 years prior to last Summer. He told me he understands exactly what I was trying to say and that he does appreciate everything I have given them and thinks I am a great Mother. I felt bad I made him fight tears, yet I had the same feeling I did when I looked into his angelic face the day he was born. He touched my heart immensely. I have succeed with Matthew. I raised a decent loving young man that has so much potential to succeed in life. Now, I'm not saying the other 3 won't be, but they are still not adults and Matthew gave me heck his Senior year, however it started only a couple of months before he turned 18 unlike Joshua who is starting 9 months early. I did do something right with Matthew.
Matthew called me to inform me he knows who his dorm roommate will be and what dorm he has been assigned to. He will move in some time during the latter part of August. I'm looking forward to having home with us for about 3 weeks. I hope he comes to visit often. I know the boys enjoy him as well, even Joshua when he is his normal self.
I realized this week, this year I will have two children in the stages of a child that are the worse times... 13 year old and a Senior year child. Oh I am going to be an emotional wreck. I joked with some of my friends at work that I think I may become an alcoholic this year, that or find some middle eastern meditation. I'm going to need something, that is for sure.