I know eventually some day my children may or may not read my blogs and this blog may not be a hit with them, but it is part of my life and what I deal with. Yesterday was a day that I do get by with a little help from my friends. Some days are just a battle, they are getting less and less often. Yes, I am a worrier and we do have a tremendous amount of events going on in our house hold right now that are stressful but I do not consider them a battle. Dealing for the most part with my ex is usually a battle. I have been blessed that for a year and a half now I have not had to deal much with him. He sees the boys very little. Although our divorce decree states he has visitation every other weekend, split holidays, every Wednesday night (not ideal now that we do not live in the same city or close to one another.) 2- 2 weeks during the Summer uninterrupted, he rarely sees the boys. 2009 he had the boys a total of 4 days at his house and came to Iowa City maybe 5 times as well and spent a few hours with them while he was here. He canceled his Thanksgiving with them and the year prior he canceled his Christmas with them (only a week or two prior to the holiday). This year he has seen the boys 3 days at his house (2 over night) and 3 times a visit here in Iowa City.
In the past I have asked if he would help me with the cost of the new school year. I mean it averages $800-$900 in two weeks to enroll the boys, buy school supplies, and a few new clothing for school. I only asked two years and he threw such a huge fit that he will not help, that is what his child support is for. When Matthew graduated, I asked if he would go in half of all the Senior graduating expenses, of course same answer. ***sigh*** He never supports me when it comes to disciplining the boys but then again, he did not when we were married either. Whenever I left to go to work, he would let the boys do whatever they wanted, so this is no shock that he continues to do so, only now he belittles me.
Now, he does talk often on the phone to the boys, but this is new thing for the past year I would say, possibly 2 years. He does not give much to the boys when it comes to Christmas and their birthdays. This bothers the boys but they never speak up. My guess, and this is only a guess, they do not speak up because they are afraid they will not hear from him if they did. His wife controls him in many ways and when she gets angry with the boys, she tells them they will not stay at her house again, and it then takes a couple of years before they actually do spend the night there. The type of Father he is very much disappoints me because they deserve better.
This is why it angers me so much that he is the good guy and I am such a mean person to them in their eyes. I mean I am the one that is there for them no matter what goes on in their lives, through the good and bad. Not that I would ever change that, to me that is being a parent, it comes with the territory. My first goal with my boys is not to be their friend. Yes, I want to be and I want them to always love me and never "hate me" or say they can not wait to get away from me. My first goal with them is to be their Mother. Let's face it, sometimes a job of being a parent is not a fun job. We have to not give them what they want sometimes and they will not totally understand why not. It is not because we are being mean but it is because either they do not need it really, it may be dangerous for them, it may be to teach them the meaning of valuing what they have, or some other reason. A parent does not have a child thinking, hmmm, how can I make this child's life miserable? I think I will take everything away from him and make his life just plain miserable! It is our job to provide for them in many ways, not just the basics but a good foundation where when it is time for the child to make his own choice he has that foundation to rely on. It just erks me that I am the bad one when actually I am the good one. I am the one that has to deal with all the troubles and wrongs. I can not just ignore them. I want them to succeed in life, so the bad one's hat I will have to wear. Some day I hope when they grow up they see what I did for them and realize how much I did love them and it was out of this love why I set the rules or consequences as they are. Everyone, everything in life has a consequence for their action. It is how they chose their action or type of action that will produce the consequence good or bad.
***Back to my original post now***
I know we (my ex and I) will battle one another when it comes time for Joshua to graduate this Spring and I know Joshua will not be happy with what will come. He is aware of it but I have a feeling he thinks we will change our mind. Unless his Father helps with the expense of a shelter home, he will not be invited to Joshua's graduation party. He will have to hold his own because he will never be allowed to step foot inside my house again. This all stems from his actions 2 years ago that involved Todd. My ex went way over board and had the opportunity to correct it yet chose not to, this action is what caused Todd to say he is never allowed to step foot in this house again. I agree with Todd and plan to back him up every step of the way. This will be a battle I stick too. I just was not prepared for this battle that started yesterday. Well sort of not prepared.
The reason for this blog now is I am amazed how this man thinks. I mean I should not be, I was married to him for 15 years but he never ceases to amaze me still. My feet are planted and I will battle this all the way to the court if I need be this time. As stated above, he does very little for the boys except what is ordered financially by the court for the boys. He does pay his child support, it is garnished from his wages and he does provided insurance for the boys. This battle is over insurance.
Insurance premiums are going up everywhere. I deal with this daily at work right now with open enrollment season upon us. Legally one can raise the premium amount up to 20%, even higher if the insurance company can prove that more was paid out in medical claims so they can justify the higher increase. I have been dealing with this daily the past two weeks, retired people's premiums going up over 30%, this just angers me. I hear their stories and see over $1000/month on their fixed income. UGH!!!! Any way, towards the end of last month we received our open enrollment package. I was floored when I read that the plan the boys have and I used to have was increasing 19%. (BTW, my ex and I work for the same company different locations and different branches, talk about a small world.) $244.06 per pay check, $488.12 per month now for the family coverage. I knew my ex would be upset with that and I do not blame him. Our company does have other insurance plans that will cost less, but as usual that means you pay more out when it comes time for the services, so there are other options.
Both Matthew and Joshua mentioned that their father wanted to talk to me about their insurance. They mentioned he wanted to look into private insurance since the cost is going to be so high. I thought, well he can look but if it means that any of the boys will not be covered I am not going to agree to it. You see, legally he does not have to cover the boys once they are 18 or graduated, which ever is the later of the two. Matthew technically, he does not have to cover but it does not cost him any more to keep coverage on him so he does. This worries me with a private insurance, so I need to look out after him as well. Their father emails me at work yesterday telling me we need to talk about insurance. The cost is way out of control and he tells me how much it would cost. He states he wants to put the boys on hawk-i insurance but he can not do so because they have to live 50% with him, he can not apply for it. He stated that he would pay for it but wanted me to apply. However, Matthew can not be covered, it is for children under 19 years, he told me that he told Matthew to look into insurance at the University. He also then told me the wages that a household of 5 would have to fall into to cover.
I have to admit, I was fuming! I was right down mad! I was shaking I was so angry. My sweet friend and co-worker stood up, she could tell I was mad. I ended up forwarding her the email, she stood up and looked at me and told me keep your response simple. I did and I haven't heard much since. Basically it comes down to a few issues here. 1. Matthew would have no coverage. 2. I do not believe Mike would follow through on his word and pay me. He has been saying that he will pay Joshua's swing choir from last year and does not follow through with his verbal commitment. Why would he me? 3. We just do not qualify plain and simple. He then asked me if I would be willing to cover them on dental. Nope.
Again, I realize the cost of medical premiums are going up, however so is everything else regarding the boys or life in general. What made me so angry about all of this, he was going to make sure that he and his wife had coverage, he was trying to find a less costly way for the boys only. I just do not get this. I hope this battle is over with and it does not get long and drug out.