Friday, March 25, 2011

Friday Confessional



It's that time of week for Friday Confessional. Please join Mamarazzi and Glamazon for confession!

I confess...

Some of my confessions may not be too upbeat right now.  I want to apologize up front.

I confess...

I feel so beat up right now.  My self esteem is very low and I feel very down.  I hate it when I feel this way.  I think it is due to many reasons.  1.  Sometimes I have difficult time sleeping and that is happening right now.  2. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with everything going on home.  THAT is definitely right now with Joshua graduating and Kera expecting.  Joshua is more cost then anything.  His father will not be assisting any at all since he did not want to go in half to rent a shelter.  He (my ex) is not allowed to be inside my house.  This is all due to his actions two years ago.  He was way out of line and called the police in our town for a stupid reason.  Now this creates problems because he called my husband's place of business.  He could not get through the phone because we were having problems with it, so he was worried about the boys making out my husband was abusing them.  Even after he was able to reach them, he had plenty of time to contact the police and inform them that he did manage to speak to our boys.  I KNOW this will create a problem when Joshua graduates but I have to stand behind my husband because it was much uncalled for and could have jeopardized his job.  However, I think I have more anxiety with Kera expecting. I am terrified with this.  She does not work a lot neither does David.  When Todd and I started to communicate the first thing we discussed was another child.  We both felt very strong that we did not want anymore.  NOW I feel like we are going to have this although we are the grandparents.  I just do not see how she can live on her own with the little hours she works.  I do not see her trying to find day care and she only has 15 more weeks left.  I have no problems helping out occasionally but I want to be able to do things.  I have raised my babies past the baby stage.  I remember how difficult it was to have multiple children, work full time, come home and take care of a baby while cooking dinner, work on homework and all.  I just do not have the energy for this anymore.  I do not want to sound like I am a mean person but I am terrified financially as well.  3. The energy is another part of my self esteem and down in the dumps.  I do not like what I see in the mirror at all anymore.  I gained 95 lbs for a side effect of medication but did nothing about it to lose it while I was younger.  I am only 44 but feel so much older due to the weight and the joints aching.  I do not think all is due to weight but fear some could be from arthritis setting in since we have it in our family.  Weight reduction will help.  No more dance classes means I lose the personal time with my husband as well as guarantee exercise time for me.  Ahem...also my husband has very little desires in the bed if you know what I mean.  I know he is not a shallow person but I can not help but wonder if I were in shape more, less Pepe Le Pew(grey hair), and wrinkled maybe his desires would be increased.  So much pressure at work trying not to make a mistake to give no reason to be on the list for the next round to go, because there will be another round of lay offs.  I know worrying does not help anything but this is all the reasons why my self esteem and feeling low.

I confess...

My Kitchen will be done tonight.  Well as much that will be done.  We will not have two sets of cupboard doors still.  We are testing the hinges.  We want white hinges, so we are painting them to test if this will work because truthfully we have 32 doors with 2 hinges that is 64 hinges to purchase new white hinges.  Also our counter tops will not be replaced as this time.  Later this Fall or early next year, when this is done our new trim we put up at the back splash of our current counter top will be replaced with tile as well.  We have no idea what the tile will look like at this time.  I think we will pick it out when we purchase our new counter tops.  I can not wait to show everyone my new favorite room in the house.

I confess...

I have never been "in love" with a man as much as I am with my husband.  This makes me feel bad with stating the above comment with the first confession.  I could not make it through any rough days without knowing he is in my corner.  Okay, I could make it but it would be so much harder.

That is all I have to confess today.  Not a good one for you all...Sorry.


1 comment:

  1. Wow that's a lot going on! I have to admit I had the same worry for you when I found out about your daughter's pregnancy. I hope that things change for the better on that front FAST; otherwise, you'll end up in a worse condition. You'll be "responsible" while someone yells at you something akin to "I'm the Mom." I'm sending good vibes that this changes soon. It's hard to feel excited when there are worries.

    I am thrilled that you have found someone you love so very much. I suspect issues in that "department" are not about appearance at all, but something like health, worries, sleep, and timing. It may also be low drive. I have one of those. :)

    It is good to know that he's so much better to you than your ex. Your sons will have to decide how they perceive him when they grow up. I'm just proud of you for continuing to sacrifice for them because it's what you want to do. They'll learn.

    Was thrilled to read your kitchen is (mostly) done. Congratulations.

    I understand about the other. I've put on 30, and it seems like all of a sudden I "can't" lose weight. It will come off when it is the center of attention, and I devote a lot of time to it. Same with you. However, concerns about job, baby, graduation, Spain, family, etc. will get in the way. It's just life.

    Love you. Take care. Keep blogging 'cause I check daily to see if there's anything new.

    ReplyDelete

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