Friday, December 9, 2011

Friday Confessional

I confess…


This week has literally been the week from Hell emotionally for me. I adjusted my hours with some colleagues to allow me to have Tuesday off to be at my Dad’s operation.

I confess…

I was in a hurry Monday when I left. My mind was on many things. I needed to take care of a few things so my supervisor would not be stuck doing it. I am not even sure if she remembers how to do it, so that is why I stayed a little late to wrap it up. I left in such a hurry I forgot to log out of my phone. This is a problem because I was left logged in until I came in on Wednesday, making me have a roll over (when you do not answer the phone and the caller rolls over to the next person. We can only have 1 or less per month to meet standards. Leaving me in unavailable also creates a problem because it lowers the productivity. I have to have 77% because of my extra responsibilities.)

I confess…

The reason I went into a little more details about our standards was because I did not meet my productivity the past two months due to all the training I was doing, therefore my supervisor told me I must meet it this month or I will be on a warning. The last of our standards is our Quality Assurance; we are allowed to miss 1. You can miss it by simply forgetting to verify a date of birth.

I confess…

I am in trouble because my productivity due to be logged in while I was out is now 60% for the month and I have my 1 roll over. I also did not meet one of my QA so I am at the max so…I need to be perfect. It is hard when I have so much on my mind and they are heavy things.

I confess…

One of the things is my Dad. His operation took longer which made us worry that they could not remove the tumor by laparoscopy and had to cut him open and remove the tumor from the Adrenal Gland as well as the part of the Liver that has the tumor. However, the doctor talked to us after the procedure he was able to get everything with the laparoscopy for the Adrenal Gland. They removed the entire thing because it was full of cancer and a very bad type that is not treatable. While they were doing this, they also noticed his liver is worse than they thought. His immune system is low and he is at a higher risk for more cancer. He has to go 6 months without any new tumor or the tumor on the liver to increase in size in order to be a candidate for a transplant. They are not able to do any chemo or radiation to the liver and they are not going to be able to cut it out because how bad the liver is as well. He told us that the recovery time or any time he is going through trauma like surgery is, he will be at a very high risk of his liver to start to bleed. If this happens, there will be nothing for them to do and they will lose him. He told us that the next hour until he wakes up will be crucial.

I confess…

My heart sunk when I heard that. I wanted to cry but I could not. My Grandmother, how is 88 today burst into tears, my two aunts burst into tears as well as two of my three sisters and my Mom. I had to be the strong one for everyone and comfort them all.

I confess…

Waiting was so exhausting and it took two hours not one hour. While we waited I realized why moving was the best thing for me. I love my sisters and we used to be so close but their actions just made me so angry and were unnecessary. Two were just about in a fist fight while waiting. The other was just criticizing and putting my Mom down in front of everyone when my Mom is there to help her daily with her handicapped daughter. It took every ounce of energy for me to focus and not yell at them. The news of Dad, the lack of sleep, the long waiting, the wicked drive part of the way to Des Moines (icy roads for 1/3 of it – I live 2 hours away.) This was a very emotional and long day.

I confess…

Yesterday was horrible as well. Definitely have conflict in my marriage right now.

I confess…

With everything that is going on I have no rock right now and I feel like crap. I do not even want to celebrate anything.

I confess…

I almost did not post this because of how long it was but chose to do so. I just won’t link it to the party this week.

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1 comment:

  1. Oh my sweet friend, I am so very, very sorry for your heavy burdens -- most of all the one closest to your heart, your husband. I wish with all my heart that this is just a minor hiccup, and that the stress of everything is making it seem worse than it actually is. I know when I returned from DM I had conflicts with Taed because he was ready for my attention and I was ready to decompress, which meant retelling ever obnoxious thing my family did that made me realize living 1800 miles away is a good thing.

    For you, on this day, I wish you:
    peace
    acceptance
    healing
    faith
    love
    hugs
    kisses
    a massage

    I love you, and I many others do as well.

    ReplyDelete

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