Friday, January 6, 2012

Friday Confessional



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It's that time of week... Confession time, come join us at Mamarazzi's page.

I confess...

My Wednesday post made me really think... we are talking deep thinking about my style.

I confess...

It was not my posting necessarily but comments made by Mamarazzi, Crazymamaof6, Xazmin, .  Thank you for your beautiful words to me about my size.  I think I need to or maybe I want to express a little more on this.  I DO NOT think big women are ugly by no means.  I find so many very beautiful and wish only I had the self esteem to dress as fashionable or feel confident in my skin as they do. I know I need to lose the weight for health issues but I am also hoping I will gain self confidence some as well.

I confess...

I have HUGE self esteem issues, it goes back to when I was in elementary.  I have accepted my dad's apology from all abuse he has done, but healing is much slower especially all of the years it has been done in my life time.  My ex-husband did not help any at all with his abusive nature of 15 years being married to him, so basically I have NOT been in an abusive relationship for 7 years of my 45 years of living.  It is definitely going to be a work in progress the self esteem issue.  I AM working on it though.

I confess...

I used to punish myself so to say by not buying cute clothing because I thought that this may encourage me to lose weight...but it did not.  Last year I started to buy a few clothing that were cute.  I did not want to buy so many because of hopes of losing weight, then I decided... well maybe I will have something nice to wear for work and picked up a few more clothing at Fashion Bug Plus, the last plus size store in the city I live.  They closed so now I would need to go to a city about 45 minutes away and well plain and simple...I just do not have the desire to drive to buy clothing for me.  I hate looking in the mirror to see if they fit.  It is all depressing.  You should have seen the mess I was in 4 years ago looking for a wedding dress for me.

I confess...

Your comments were so sweet and at a time I needed the support.  October through December have been a tough one with so many issues from work, older children, dad's health, and my marriage. My husband and I are working on things.  He is truly showing me he wants this marriage to work.

I confess...

Maybe if I were to dress more fashionable, it will help my self esteem as well.  I truly want to like what I see in the mirror.  Thank you for your support ladies.

What do you have to confess about?
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5 comments:

  1. My dear Jolene,

    You must know that I've always thought that you were quite beautiful. In fact, the very living soul of Jolene from the Dolly Parton song -- auburn hair and green eyes. Those of us who know your soul as well as your shell find you even more beautiful. Your friendship, kindness, and giving nature add to your outer beauty.

    As you know, I'm forever sorry that your dad couldn't look beyond his own stereotypes and prejudices. If he had, he would have seen what we'd always known.

    I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive yourself and your body for not being what you think they "should" be, and learn to accept what they are and treat yourself as well, if not better, than you would treat any one of your friends.

    Hope your weekend is happy. Love you.

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  2. I loved reading your post today! It hit home. I think big girls are beautiful too and that includes you! :). When you are tormented your whole life about your looks and especially weight, it becomes hard to get that self esteem back! I am there right now but you can do it I am sure! Keep your head up and love yourself!!! Seems like you have friends that love you lots too!!

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  3. I truly do understand where you are coming from when you say you have self esteem issues with your size. I do think that to a certain extent the clothes would help and give you a certain confidence. I know for me, when I dress more fashionably, I feel so much better about myself...but maybe that's just me.

    Good luck!

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  4. you. are. beautiful.

    i love that some comments of love and support made you think a little more about it.

    it takes a little practice. but you will get there. just love yourself.

    and

    your curves.

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  5. I have been struggling with my weight and mild depression this year. December was the worst month and I decided that I was sick of it! Ihen I started getting out of breath walking up my basement stairs,knees aching, exhausted from cleaning house and crying at the drop of a hat I knew that I hit rock bottom. I cried myself to sleep and the next day I signed for Weight Watchers online, had a complete physical and a cardic appt, and now I am working on becoming a healthier version of me. I need to do this for my kids, my husband but most of all of me. I am living my Richard Simmons words, "I am worth it!"

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