Friday, November 30, 2012

Friday Confessional

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It's that time of week for Confessions.  Party is at High-Heeled Love

I confess...

This is going to be a different type of confession.  One that I never thought I would confess.  One if someone would have told me I was going to say I would have never believed that person, if it were a few years ago.

I confess...

This confession is going to be about my Dad.  I admire him and hope I can be like him.  Yes, that is right.  Not his past but now.  See I would not have believed the person if he/she told me I was going to post that 3 years ago.

I confess...

I would have thought he/she was out of his/her mind.  My father?  Mine?  This man by no means has earned "Father of the Year" status.  He told me over and over when I was young how ugly I am.  How fat I am.  How I would be lucky to find someone.  He told me several times he wished I was six feet under.  He was abusive in every sense to me and to Lisa as well as Mom.  He had his good moments too.  At first it was bad only when he was drunk, but later all the drinking and brain injury accidents I think did more harm.  The girls in our neighborhood were not allowed to play with Lisa and me.  I never knew why until I graduated.  My father would stand at the door flashing them.  I stooped to his level one time and told him, no screamed at him, that I wished he was six feet under as well after he accused me of sleeping with the boy I was engaged to.  It was so hurtful to me.  I had not.  He missed my high school graduation due to being in the bar.  He missed my college graduation, wedding, the birth of my first two boys because he was in prison.  He also missed my oldest graduation because he was in jail as well as my second wedding.  See, now you are understanding why I would have thought the person telling me this three years ago was completely off his/her rocker.

I confess...

I have forgiven my father for all the awful things he has done in my life time.  I have not forgotten as you have read, but I can move past this.  He has proved to me he wants his family and is sorry for what he has done.  This is not because he is dieing, he started to change before the cancer.  He realized how much he has missed out in his life.  His daughters, his grandchildren, even great grandchildren.

I confess...

I have bad days knowing he may not be with us.  I do not deal well with people actually dieing.  Knowing the time is shorter.  I do not know what is wrong with me.  Why do I avoid them?  I did this with both grandfathers and my grandmother.  I have a hard time just watching them dieing.  I need to find courage to be here with my father.

I confess...

I do admire him now in life, for the now.  How strong he has been facing cancer.  How he has never said, why me?  He tells me he knows it is in God's hands.  He does not want to die but he knows it is God's will.  He is facing it head on.  I only hope I can be as brave when it comes to be my time.

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3 comments:

  1. I have no words either. But hugs. And what an amazing testimony to have forgiven all those things.

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  2. Wow, Jolene. I'm sorry that you grew up with that and so thankful that you and your dad have had a second chance to have a relationship before it was too late.

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