It has been one week... Today, I am working on a slide show in memory of my Dad for his dinner we are having. It is a tough one but also I am loving the treasures I am finding with old photographs. Here are just three.
Dad ~he was a true looker back in his time.
Mom ~ she is beautiful as well.
I love this one. I see one of my boys in my Dad's face in this one.
One of our songs has to be a Reba McEntire for the slide show. He was so in love with her. *huge smile* The above song, I love and there are so many things in this song which is true about me with him. The first verse and the chorus:
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I do not mean this in any bad way. He made a lot of mistakes in his life, I just learned I did not want to repeat those mistakes. It is a good lesson he taught me. Only, I do not think this song is appropriate for my slide show. As I was driving to Des Moines this past Monday, I was scanning the radio station for a song to listen to. "Good Ol' Boys" came on. I left it because it reminded me of my Dad. He loved Dukes of Hazard. I thought this may be a good song but thought my sisters may think I was being silly. Rob (Katie's husband) helped my Dad a lot the last four months. He would talk a lot to my Dad during the day and night. Rob told us he would talk about Waylon Jennings. My Mom and I went to look for music I could upload for the slide show. We found a Waylon Jennings CD and as we were in the check out my Mom was looking at the CDs we had and laughed. (I told her earlier about the "Good Ol' Boys" song.) She pointed at the CD and guess who sung that song. Yes, Waylon Jennings! I believe it was a sign that my Dad wanted that song. *smile* I believe signs are sent to us if we are open minded and listen.
It has been one week... I think I have cried so much just from out of the blue. I thought my little sunshine would be my prescription for my aching heart on Saturday. He was, I probably cried the least that day and had true laughter for the first time as well. Todd, looked at me at the end of the day and asked me if I had a good day. I answered yes, why and he commented that he thought I would have enjoyed it more. I guess I was more distant and he did catch a couple of tears. He told me to take as long as I need to grieve, he will always be here with a shoulder to cry on. I am so lucky to have a wonderful man like this in my life. I did enjoy my day and plan to post about it sometime.
It has been one week... I felt so left out being in Iowa City. I drove back and forth a couple of days. My plans were to go back and be with my sisters when his ashes were picked up, but they never called me. I found out through my Grandma his ashes were picked up and they brought him to her. She was distraught. I was so hurt and angry. Angry I was left out. It seems I am an after thought often at times.
It has been one week... I have felt anger a lot from time to time as well. It is odd, I never knew anger was part of grieving. I was so angry any time I logged into Facebook and was seeing all these happy events being posted. Friends uploading prom pictures. How dare the world to keep going on! Don't they know my Dad died just a few days prior? Anger at the world and people for living?! The anger did not last long because then logic kicked in. Death is part of life and we all must keep living. I know my Dad would have wanted this.
It has been one week... I have been able to hear my aunts and uncles tell stories of my Dad. I love hearing their memories of him. Monday, I went and spent the day with them and the night at my Mom's. Todd once again, was there for my boys to keep normalcy there. That night, my sisters Amy and Lisa were over. Katie was home after Sunday being at the ER with Miranda. She had to have an emergency surgery to remove the attachment holder for binkies to be removed from Miranda's stomach. She swallowed it and unlike other children who swallow things, Miranda cannot pass the object because of her G/J tube. My poor baby sister has had one tough time after another. Any way, it was so much fun to relive Lisa's and my memories. The four of us (Mom, Lisa, Amy, and myself) laughed at the stories we were sharing. I had a good time with them. Earlier that evening it was just my Mom and I. We spent a lot of time just us and the next morning as well. My Mom told me she was really enjoying this because she does not remember having time alone with just me. Thinking back, I do not remember alone time with her either.
It has been one week... The time in Des Moines seemed to help a lot! I still have had a few moments yesterday and today. I am sure the rest of my life will be like that for him, however I cannot let it consume me because I am a Mom. I have to be here for them as well. My Dad would not have wanted us to cry and cry over him. I keep remembering the last day I had with him, three days prior. He told me as usual how much he loved me. He mentioned how he can tell I am losing weight and wanted to know how much. He told me he can see it in my legs. *smile* I also think of my dream I had the night he died. I so believe that God and my Dad let me be there with him that night. His last words to me that night, "I love you. I am so proud of you. You are such a good mother. Jolene, remember I will always love you." Remember I will always love you. The last sentence I heard from him. What a beautiful thing!
It has been one week...