When I created my little blog here a few years back I wanted a title to reflect who I am yet also connect with the Beatles. I had a blog prior where I was totally incognito and expressed true feelings. The blog was rather dark and more of a journal and sometimes ugly places what I have overcome or working on. It was my electronic journal to become a healthier me. I loved the name The Long And Winding Road because I felt it was so appropriate, most of us who are trying to become healthier do have a long and winding road to travel to get to our healthier place. I reflected back through my life and felt I have overcome so much in my life, good and bad. You cannot have one without the other to truly enjoy the good but I would have never made it alone, so With A Little Help From My Friends just seemed like a good choice. I have relied on my friends/family now it is time for my youngest to do the same.
Since 2011 life has definitely been a roller coaster of emotions after tearing my walls down and completely letting my Dad back into my life. Forgiveness was definitely earned. One thing I have learned over the past month since my Dad died is I have a lot of guilt. Guilt for not being there physically when he died. I know he understood and it will be something I have to work through and will over come. This roller coaster I have been on has only gotten worse and scarier.
Depression: Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depression, major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and depression may make you feel as if life isn't worth living.
My youngest is a follower. He has had a friend who was diagnosed as ADD. He looked up the symptoms of ADD and came to me stating he thought he showed signs of ADD and felt he should go to the doctor to get medicine too. Another time he had a friend who was given sleeping pills because he had problems sleeping, so my son thought I should schedule an appointment to see the doctor to get sleeping pills for him too since he had sleeping pills. A friend he found out was cutting and naturally he began to do the same thing. A couple of months back he had a friend who tried to kill himself and was committed. He told me he felt depressed. He told me he had a loss of appetite and that was one of the symptoms of chronic depression. You see a pattern here? He would eat smaller amounts at meals but shortly after the meals he would eat nearly half the package of cookies. I kept my eye on him and he showed no signs of depression except an occasional blue moment but teens have blue moments. I so seriously hate the ages of 13-15 years, so many hormones and the teenager has such a difficult time trying to figure out those feelings they become aliens.
My son did not show these signs. I did not notice them. I seriously watched for them. He is a follower. I did not see him grieve any for his grandfather, but who knows I was grieving. Maybe I missed something. His behavior did not change any. Did I miss something?
One day about a month before my Dad died my youngest came to me he was very upset. He told me he could not see his future. I asked him what did he mean. He told me he sees nothing. I again asked what did he mean, like a mate, children, a career, where he wants to live? He said yeah, all of that, when he tries to think of the future he sees nothing. I just told him he is 14 years old and it is fine not to see the future like that. He is too young to worry about it, right now he does not have those responsibilities, his responsibilities are school, following rules, and being a kid. He seemed better after we talked. I watched for signs and saw nothing. He would laugh with his friends, he would follow me around and talk my ear off one day and keep to his room the next. A typical middle school kid at times moody. Never not once did he ever mention to me or his brothers he was suicidal. Did we miss something? Was I so caught up in my own grief that I missed something?
This post will be split up into two parts.