Wednesday, August 27, 2014
I have a lot of ugliness going on in my life. I share my life here on my blog. It was I have always intended this blog to be about, a place for my children to go to to know about their Mom a little more, then I found an entire new world through blogging which I am so happy I did with the linky parties and the wonderful bloggie friends.
It has been a very different and difficult year for me. I will be posting regularly and I know you read a post recently with me saying this before but I did not expect my weeks to be the way they have been. I have to post this little thank you because I do not want her to think it has gone unappreciated.
I won a blog give away and received my goodies last week. Patty's Pretty Things had a Give Away x2 and I won! I love what Patty makes. I love her cards and tags. Her blog is one of my absolutes I have to read, she is so creative and I love how she takes us with her on her adventures. Thanks Patty! Her give away was two parts really. Her creative tags and cards (by the way she sales these too) and green Ball canning jars. The company reached out to her, you can read about it here in her give away by clicking here Give Away x2. I plan to have pictures added in a different post but you can click on my links to see it. I also plan to make some neat things with three of the canning jars as soon as things calm down here on the home front.
I have had some friends ask if everything is going alright via email. To answer, NO. My son, Noah is worse than I thought. I seriously think there is something wrong with him other than depression. He has these friends, and who knows it may be the same person, who live in Canada. He met them through an online gaming service and ever since then he has been acting in this self destructive manner. These people never have pictures of themselves, one is his girlfriend now. He does not know her last name, she will not send him her phone number, and she has sent one picture but it looks like a magazine photo. These two people often talk about suicide with him and this is where it all starts. Everything peeked once again Monday night, his girlfriend for the third night in a row threatened to kill herself, he refused to give me his lap top. His computer time is limited due to the doctor when he was hospitalized in May. He called me every name in the book and over a dozen times how my Father would not approve of me. He even stood up and nose to nose with me and he was spitting mad yelling these ugly things and pushed me. It was not a hard push but a challenge push. I was rather impressed with how well I handled all of this. I never yelled once. I have no idea how I was so rational because normally I would have been yelling and possibly pushed back but all I felt was this frustration, anger, and yet calm feeling. I do not know if it came from earlier in the morning when I prayed to God. I prayed HE would comfort me because I am so sad and feel so lost. I really need HIM, maybe God was there for me calming me. I am happy with the way I handled it through. It showed Noah, you can deal with situations without violence or yelling. Noah did not like what I asked Todd to do next though. He refused to hand over his lap top and his girlfriend was refusing to give her cell phone number to him, so I turned to Todd and asked him to take the router. Todd did. Noah ran away. This was all around 10:30. Iowa City has a curfew for children and for Noah's age 11:00 is the curfew. I logged into his account and read what he and his girlfriend had been chatting, After this I went to look for him. I did not find him but he saw me and called me once again to inform me I am a slut and my Dad would not approve of me and then hung up. My oldest son, Matthew was called by Noah. He is Noah's go to person. I am very proud how Matthew has matured to this beautiful young man and his girlfriend, Hannah, I love as well. She told me what was going on with Matthew and Noah and I let her know what happened. She shared with me that I am a good Mom. I needed to hear that.
Last night, I found he had tripled his depression medicine, took more than what he normally takes of Melatonin and took my butcher knife. Once I noticed my knife was missing, I had two gut feelings. One: he planned on using it on me and possibly Todd because he was so angry with us or Two: when I open his bedroom door with the lights out I was going to find a bloody mess. Thankfully two never happened. He said he had the knife for protection because the night before Todd spoke up to Noah. Todd rarely becomes involved with the discipline unless the child is out of control and he was. On Monday, he told Noah to stop talking to me the way he was and Noah told him to mind his own fucking business. Todd, who I don't blame, did not take well to Noah's response. Todd's temper came out and he started walking towards Noah and pointing. He told Noah to straighten up and informed him the next time he lays a finger on me then he will lay a finger on him. Noah told him he is not afraid of him; Todd told him oh little boy, you think you are tough but you should be afraid of me. Matthew later that night explained again what Todd meant to Noah but all Noah took out of it is Todd threatened him. Also on Monday before Noah ran one of the things he said was how he wished I was dead. He made a comment on how he wished someone would take care of me and put him out of his misery. Due to the fact he took the butcher's knife we now have everything and anything one can hurt them self with or someone with in a tub which will be carried down many stairs to the cars when we leave. All meds too. Our door will be locked at night when we sleep.
So yeah, this is why I have not been blogging. I will return but I need to get somethings under control here. Thank you Patty for the wonderful goodies.