Thursday, September 25, 2014

My Family Is Broken

My children are my world!  Each one brings me something different.  Each one brings me frustration the others have not, however each one of us make up my family.  Family I love.  I never planned my last two children but they are definitely gifts just as much as the two I did plan.  I know as a parent you always want your child to have more than you did.  I came from a broken family and wanted to be united for my children.  Early years, although their Father was abusive, the boys and I were close.  They were close to one another.  Teen years come and each one has their own set of challenges when learning how to deal with their hormones and wanting their freedom to spread their wings.  As a parent it is also hard to set them free sometimes.  Those wings may be damaged and not as strong as the child may think.  I know I have made mistakes, but I try to learn from my mistakes.  I take everything as a lesson to learn, sometimes I grow and sometimes I wear egg on my face.  I am not perfect but I do love them with all of my heart.  I truly believe I am a good Mother.

The problem I am seeing from my oldest child to my youngest child (only a nine and a half span) is the times have changed in just the gap from the time my first born was a teenager to now with my last child.  Children now feel they do not have to listen to their parents.  Okay, let me re-word this, SOME children think this.  I think society has some input on this.  Even now, you hear debates about how children should not be spanked or disciplined with punishment of such.  This post is not about that but is some ways, these debates just encourage the children who have problems even more.  The people debating all of this is not looking at the flip side...What happens to the parent when the child absolutely refuses to obey?  They have no respect to boundaries.  They feel they have no consequences for their actions because society tells them they have rights and should be able to express their views too.  Now, by no means am I saying it should be the day when children should be seen and not heard.  They do have valuable opinions and views but we are in a society where a parent is afraid to discipline due to fear of abuse charges.  Seriously, there has to be a happy medium.
My life has been such a roller coaster.  I have dealt with depression myself from time to time.  My oldest had depression and was on a path of self destruction.  My move to Iowa City saved him and was exactly what he needed.  His issues were totally different than my youngest.  Noah is way out of control. I have been reflecting back and Noah has always thought he could do whatever he wanted.  I thought it was because he was the baby of the family and his brothers always gave in.  I also thought it was because his father would make promises and never follow through, he basically abandoned him, even Noah has accused him of that.  Noah not respecting authority and consequences started young and simple he would sneak and get up to watch television every time I put him to bed.  He never showed remorse when he did something wrong.  He does know right from wrong and when he sees his brothers be disrespectful or out of line he does not have any problems at all speaking up to them.  He has watched his brothers test their boundaries when they were at this age and see they were disciplined as well, grounding and things being taken away.  He always commented how he was never going to act that way.  The older Noah has gotten the more he believes he has total say over his life, he feels no one has authority of him.  Noah can be so kind hearted to some, like Taj he has a sweet spot and some friends.  I just wished Noah would see and respect all of his family members.  His brothers are really trying to help him.  Ethan and he fight off and on, as any most sibling do.  Two teenagers under the same roof, "y" chromosomes trying to show who is superior.  One will be rotten to the other and then automatically the other thinks of something to retaliate that was until May when Noah tried to hang himself.  Ethan backed off a lot. He still is a little turd to him but he also tries to show Noah he is there for him, but Noah refuses to see it.  Ethan will give him advice but Noah constantly tells him off and he has no right to give him advice. Ethan has matured a lot.  Ethan has told me a few times he does not know how I do what I do for Noah.  I just looked at him and told him, "I love him and because I am his Mother.  I do not have a choice.  I cannot give up on him."
His brother Matthew, my oldest has been his "go to person" his safe zone.  Matthew keeps getting pushed and pushed as well because it does not matter who tells Noah what he should do or advice him on how to make it better, Noah does not listen.  Noah keeps pushing those who love him and care for him away and Noah states he is fine with it, although I know it is just a front.  I see the pain in his eyes when he tells me how this friend or that friend no longer likes him.  My heart aches for him but he is making this all happen to himself.  I wish he would just open his eyes and see this.  Joshua has been there as well, but has his own issues and is unreliable from time to time. Noah has truly broken my heart.  I never thought I would have a child who would want to cause harm to me, a family member, or him self.  He does not see how easy he really has it and how loved he really is.  We all have chores in the house we are responsible for.  The boys do not have a lot.  They both have two nights a week they are responsible for the dishes.  They take turns with taking the trash out.  They mow the yard and occasionally help remove snow.  They work on the recycles.  They take turns on who cleans the main bathroom and the small bathroom on the first floor every two weeks.  That's it, oh and I expect them to do their school work, but if you ask Noah, he would say I expect the world from them.  Lately when I ask him to do what he is supposed to it is a NO!  He calls me names I would not even have thought to speak to my parents.  He digs deep to try to hurt my like throwing up how horrible my father was or how he would not approve of me.  I know what Noah is doing.  I do not let him see how he is hurting me, but it is killing me inside.  I love this child but I do not know how I can forgive him for his actions any more.  He is definitely crossing the line in more than one way a very unhealthy way.
Last week we had to involve the police.  This person he is being catfished by, this person and this person's friend are the person who has encouraged the destructive behavior my son has, stated she was going to kill herself once more.  She is the main contributor when Noah will act up.  Noah has been grounded from the computer until his grades are up.  He asked to go to a friend's house to pick up his notebook, I told him no I can pick it up or later when his friend is home I can take him to get it.  Noah disobeyed and went to the house to get it.  When confronted it was responded that he does not give a shit what I say, he does not respect me he will do whatever he wants.  I took his phone privileges at that time.  I kept going to his room to make sure he was doing his homework but all I say was he was listen to what I thought was his Ipod, later I found out it was a smart phone and Noah admitted that was what he went to his friend's house to get and he and this so-called person was in a fight and now she is going to kill herself in 24 hours unless someone can change her mind.  I told him I wanted the phone.  I was very surprised he handed it to me.  He asked me if I could charge it for his friend and I told him no, not until his homework is done.  Noah did not finish his homework until it was time for me to go to work the next day.  I told him I did not want to see the phone again in my house.  Next day is when the nightmare happened.  It is the day I realized my family is broken.  We had Taj that night after day care and Noah did indeed bring the phone home again.  I kept telling him to give me the phone and Taj would stand in front of me and tell me to be nice to Noah.  I was not yelling but I was firm.  I would guide Taj out of the room and tell him to please leave and then say it again to Noah.  This happened five times and then I realized the time was not now.  I told Noah that we can disconnect the router if he does not hand it over.  He tells me he will just run away then and he called Matthew.  He then told me Matthew was on his way over he was going to stay the night there.  I told him no, he can talk to Matthew but he needed to learn, he cannot run away every time he does not get his way.  Todd asked me if I have the phone I answered and said no.  Todd was upset and mentioned how I am just letting him carry on and have his way.  I told him not now, I will deal with it later and went to my room to call Matthew, but before I did I told Noah dinner is ready.  (My mistake.  I should have communicated with my husband first.)  While I was on the phone I suddenly heard wrestling in my kitchen.  Noah had the phone out and Todd tried to take it from him. (Mistake number two) After my pantry door was taken off the track I was able to grab the phone thinking it would end there but no, it was just the beginning of the nightmare that night.  Noah charged after Todd swinging and Todd took him down and pinned him and telling him several times as soon as he calms down he will let go of him.  During this time Taj was crying out for his Papa and Noah confused at what was going on.  I was crying out to stop it this is not worth it.  Todd was being bit several times by Noah and then kneed in the head.  Finally Todd let Noah up and Noah ran away once again.  This time with no shoes just socks.  I found him walking with a gallon of apple juice.  He refused to get into the car and only dropped the apple juice.  I let Matthew know where he was, then suddenly I saw this crazy driver turn into the parking lot and drive up on the sidewalk. It scared the crap out of me and Noah.  Noah jumped trying to get out of the way.  It was Matthew, he jumped out of his car yelling at him to get in and Noah said no and then Matthew tackled the kid down.  (Mistake number three: Matthew will not be his safety zone any longer.)  I could not believe what I just saw happen.  People came after Matthew to rescue Noah and Noah ran off, now without a jacket too.  Prior to finding Noah I stopped at his friend's house and shared what was going on and asked for his Mom to call me if he stopped over.  We went looking for Noah but could not find him.  I went back home sick. Sick to my stomach.  After Kera left with Taj about 9 pm we went looking once again for Noah.  I received a call from that mom telling me Noah had come and gone.  I stopped at her house again wanting to know if she gave him shoes or a jacket.  No, he refused.  I told her I was going to have to get the police involved.  11 pm now, and we call the police, sad thing is that means Todd has to call work.  We have an officer stop over.  I told him his past, what happened. and what caused him to flip out this time.  I also told him what he said when I found him that he planned on stabbing Todd when he sees him next.  As soon as the police officer left I received a all from the principal of the high school  He told me Noah was caught trying to break into the school to spend the night.  They called the police because Noah told him what happened and he was not safe at home.  I called the police officer who left and both our officer and the one called to the school brought Noah home.  The other officer heard what happened from us.  We never showed the mark huge mark from Noah's bite or he would have been taken to the juvenile home.  They asked if I wanted Noah to stay home or go to the hospital for an evaluation.  I told them what Noah said about the knife, the other officer said he took a small knife from Noah.  The mother of his friend gave it to him.  (What adult would give a knife to a child who is mentally unstable?  If you think they need protection, call the police.)
All said and done Noah and I was at the hospital until 2:45 am when he was released.  They and he thought it was a heat of the moment situation.  I do not know what to say or think of it all.  We ended up buying a lock for our bedroom closet and lock everything dangerous in our closet and hide the key since there is only one key.  Kera told us that Taj would not be able to be here when Noah is here.  I was surprised, yet happy to hear what Todd told her only two hours after being bit my Noah.  He told her this is Noah's home, he is going to be here.  As I said before, I think something is wrong with Noah more than depression.  His therapist is trying to work with the psychiatrist who we do not see until October 16th and assess him further. I believe my son is one step closer to being placed in residential.  I just want him to be healthy again.  This has to be more than depression!  The biggest mistake of all of this was on Noah, he has to own his mistakes and follow the rules, he has to come to realization getting help is not when it is getting his way.  Noah has hard feelings towards everyone.  Two of my other children have hard feelings on him.  My husband is at his wits end but also wants to support Noah.  The girls are very concerned.  Poor Taj is so confused.  My family is broken and all I want to do is fix it.  Noah has given some moments I see my old Noah, life is about holding onto your good memories and looking for one moment to give hope that any dream is possible.  I cannot give up on him but I have to watch out and protect my other family members.  I am going to hope my dream is possible we will be united as a family again.

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2 comments:

  1. Joleen, I am so very sorry to hear about all of this. Hopefully soon you & Noah mainly will get the help & answers you need. Thinking & praying for you all! Hugs, Molly

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  2. Jolene, praying for you and your family. I can't imagine how stressful it must be! You're a great lady and I hope things turn around for your family soon!

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