2014 has not been a great year and I need to learn not to post what I plan to post because it rarely happens this year because of the roller coaster 2014 has brought me. I posted I was going to do a Christmas in July series of post, but then LIFE really got into the the way of me crafting. I plan on doing it someday just did not happen this year. I posted I would do something special but smaller in December. Yeah, that is not going to happen because I do not have any creative time for me.
I posted I would be participating in 5 Minutes for Moms' Ultimate Blog Party 2013 (UBP2014). I made my initial post and started the party but the actual BIG DAYS, I had to bow out because the timing was...well my Dad died. I posted I was going to participate in the Halloween Party hosted by AFancifulTwist was hosting. I have to poop out of that one too because of issues...Noah. Noah has consumed most of my creative free time.
He is mentally ill. At times this year, I just wanted to give up but never did. I cannot, I am his Mom. He has pushed me near the edge though. He has pushed from time to time his brothers and step-father over the edge. I am not sure when it all began, I started seeing a little bit of signs near the end of my Dad's life but I dismissed it as how he was trying to cope with losing his only Grandfather. Nearly a month after my Dad died, Noah tried to hang himself. We were lucky after his 3rd attempt and a very serious attempt when things were going hazy, he found the will to live and was able to manage to swing his feet over to the bunk bed to be able to set himself free. He has been hospitalized two times in less than six months. The first for ten days, the most recent four days. He has been to therapist and a psychiatrist weekly, to monthly for the psychiatrist and was doing better until recently where he was being seen every other week with his therapist.
He has tried to overdose on medication, ran away three times in the month of September. Stole my knives twice to use on family members (me and Todd the first time and Ethan the second time), he has stolen a pocket knife from a friend's house to use on Todd. He does not have a door on his bedroom any longer. He has no access to any game systems, computers, and computer games until he shows some efforts. We have had to involve the police during one of his run aways.
I have been telling his doctors there is something more than depression and anxiety going on with my son. I have been saying this since August but it felt like no one was listening to me, exactly the way Noah has felt. His last round of stealing the knife and feeling like he was going to harm himself and Ethan, he agreed to go to the hospital. It was in there I became more DEMANDING. I shared exactly what I said to his therapist only two days prior. NOAH IS LIKE A FISH ON A BEACH, CLOSE TO THE WATER. PEOPLE WHO CAN HELP THE FISH, SEE THE FISH FLOPPING AROUND TRYING TO GET BACK BUT JUST CANNOT MAKE IT. THOSE WHO CAN HELP JUST LOOK AND KEEP WALKING BY. HE NEEDS SOMEONE TO THROW HIM BACK INTO THE WATER. HE NEEDS TOOLS TO HELP COPE WITH LIVING. HE NEEDS THE PROPER MEDS TO HELP HIM TO BECOME HEALTHIER. HE NEEDS HELP!. The ER agreed he needed to be hospitalized, more for keeping the family safe. I was asked if it is okay. I looked at them and said, "Yes, but do not discharge him this time until he has some coping skills." He was in the hospital only four days. The doctor changed her mind within two hours of keeping him for another day or two to come and get him now, "he is having too much fun...others need help." Nothing changed for him but his meds.
The next day he had a therapist visit and his biological father decided he wanted to be involved now. Hmmm...I am trying hard not to blame but part of the problem with Noah a bit is how he feels his father abandoned him. I thought maybe this would be good for the two of them, but NOPE, my ex took most of his hour. SERIOUSLY!!! 40 minutes of the hour was my ex alone with the therapist. This showed me he has not changed one bit. Our son was just released a little more than 12 hours prior and needs his therapist. I can see sharing the time with him. I spent near five minutes informing her what happened and left right away. She wanted to see him again that week. Luckily it was the same day of his psychiatrist, same group and I was very lucky to have the appointments back to back with one another. This time they heard me! This visit to me was the most productive visit with them! They feel there is something else wrong with my son other than depression and anxiety. Now we have a consultation with another doctor who will do psychological testing. Several test which will determine what mental illness my son actually has. They should take near three hours. Unfortunately it will not be until Mid-December the consultation so the testing will be even later. So...until then, no more promises I will participate or post this by then. I will keep posting just no promises when or what.
Now, I am going to publish this and start on my post I promised last week about our trip the week prior to the pumpkin patch.