Last week I listened to The Beatle Brunch hour and heard a song I have not listened to for years. It is a peaceful song and Ringo sung it (he is not the best singer of the group) I still love it. John wrote the song for Julian and let Ringo record it. It reminded me when the boys were babies. I would rock in my wooden rocking chair and sing this song to them every night.
I have such beautiful memories of each of them when I listen to this song, however now my heart is breaking as well today. I look at my youngest and cannot figure out for the life of me what went wrong. Monday I will have to do something very difficult, well the first step. First I have to call the court house to see how long this shoplifting class is that I have to take time off of work to take Noah too in order to avoid going to the juvenile court system. Next I have to call Four Oaks Residential to see if our insurance will cover admitting Noah to the behavioral residential treatment. If not then I need to see if the court will order it. I know Noah is going to hate this but he has left me no other choices. He ran away again. He has called me a Bitch too often and tells me he can do whatever he wants way too many times. Ethan fears graduating because he does not know what to do next. He wants to go to college but he is terrified because he knows he cannot afford to go to college and live on his own. I explained he does not have to move out he can live here and go to college it will be more affordable but he told me he cannot keep living with Noah the way he is. It is so frustrating to him to see how he turns from his family, how selfish he is and mainly how disrespectful he is to me. He feels Noah does not appreciate anything. The therapist told me Saturday it is time for the residential treatment. Noah is on a path of self destruction and is fighting all the help he is getting. She told me Noah may kick and scream about being admitted as well. I hate that it is so close to Christmas and know he will be locked up somewhere but Noah has made this choice. I hurt so much for all of my children. Each of them are being affected by Noah as well. I just want to go back to the simple days and hold them in my arms or have them sit on my lap and sing to them.