Monday, June 26, 2017

Troubled But Working On It

I really do not know how to even begin this post.  I wanted to share what I have been going through the past year or so.  Many thoughts have gone through my head debating to share or not. I could make some not follow me was my fear but then I thought I lost followers when I posted the battle of Noah so what will change?  My blog is to share my life so here it goes...

As some of my followers can tell I have been fighting depression pretty fiercely. My battle began when my dad passed then 13 days after spreading his ashes finding out that my youngest tried to hang himself. It was a serious attempt. The next two years many hospital, ER visits, trouble with school, running away. Finally with proper medication and therapy he has turned the corner. This has taken a toll on me.  It has taken a toll on my husband as well.  We still battle some things but some have had major improvements.

I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped trying to work on me and trying to be healthy. I cannot tell you the last time I took my diabetes medicine.   I had my husband who was my rock.

Last summer I came across some emails. Emails from another woman and my husband. I was devastated. He never met her but I felt so betrayed. I emailed her and I thought their friendship was over only to find out this spring it continued.  Again I confronted him and he ended it. 

I never shared until recently with him how much this truly hurt. I hurt so much I had harmful thoughts myself. I thought here I am unworthy of someone being dedicated to me.  I sat many nights crying and alone thinking and imagining deep cuts in wrists, mentally feeling the blood dripping wanting to release the pain inside.  I so had no intentions of killing myself nor could I ever act on them when I was trying to help my son.  I just wanted to not hurt any more.

I know my husband loves me. Yes, I get angry at him from time to time. I do feel he was scammed some by this woman because of the money she received from him.  My husband is way too trusting. What I do not get is how a woman can continue this friendship after knowing the harm it was doing in the marriage except she wanted the money.

I do blame my husband too.  My security was ripped out from under my feet. I never felt loved like I did until I met my husband. He helped me start to like myself but the two of them destroyed what I was finally rebuilding.  I never thought I would say I hate someone I have never met but I do not like her.  My husband thinks she is such a nice person but how can someone nice continue with emailing like she did?  If I had an opportunity to talk to her I am not sure what I would say except why?  Why would you do something like this?  Again, I know he has a part in this as well.   I know he too is battling mid-life crisis.  I know this is horrible but I hope Karma hits her and her entire world is flipped.  It took me 38 years to find someone who treated me with respect and she assisted with tearing me apart.  D I hope you read this.

We are working on our relationship. I want to stop hurting. I know he loves me and wants this marriage. I just hope he is strong enough and walks away so to say.  I also am fighting empty nest syndrome some as I posted previously and I am in pain. 

Now, I have experienced some good times. I am ready to share my enjoyment now. My next posts will be about the positive in my life.   

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