Monday, June 26, 2017

Troubled But Working On It

I really do not know how to even begin this post.  I wanted to share what I have been going through the past year or so.  Many thoughts have gone through my head debating to share or not. I could make some not follow me was my fear but then I thought I lost followers when I posted the battle of Noah so what will change?  My blog is to share my life so here it goes...

As some of my followers can tell I have been fighting depression pretty fiercely. My battle began when my dad passed then 13 days after spreading his ashes finding out that my youngest tried to hang himself. It was a serious attempt. The next two years many hospital, ER visits, trouble with school, running away. Finally with proper medication and therapy he has turned the corner. This has taken a toll on me.  It has taken a toll on my husband as well.  We still battle some things but some have had major improvements.

I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped trying to work on me and trying to be healthy. I cannot tell you the last time I took my diabetes medicine.   I had my husband who was my rock.

Last summer I came across some emails. Emails from another woman and my husband. I was devastated. He never met her but I felt so betrayed. I emailed her and I thought their friendship was over only to find out this spring it continued.  Again I confronted him and he ended it. 

I never shared until recently with him how much this truly hurt. I hurt so much I had harmful thoughts myself. I thought here I am unworthy of someone being dedicated to me.  I sat many nights crying and alone thinking and imagining deep cuts in wrists, mentally feeling the blood dripping wanting to release the pain inside.  I so had no intentions of killing myself nor could I ever act on them when I was trying to help my son.  I just wanted to not hurt any more.

I know my husband loves me. Yes, I get angry at him from time to time. I do feel he was scammed some by this woman because of the money she received from him.  My husband is way too trusting. What I do not get is how a woman can continue this friendship after knowing the harm it was doing in the marriage except she wanted the money.

I do blame my husband too.  My security was ripped out from under my feet. I never felt loved like I did until I met my husband. He helped me start to like myself but the two of them destroyed what I was finally rebuilding.  I never thought I would say I hate someone I have never met but I do not like her.  My husband thinks she is such a nice person but how can someone nice continue with emailing like she did?  If I had an opportunity to talk to her I am not sure what I would say except why?  Why would you do something like this?  Again, I know he has a part in this as well.   I know he too is battling mid-life crisis.  I know this is horrible but I hope Karma hits her and her entire world is flipped.  It took me 38 years to find someone who treated me with respect and she assisted with tearing me apart.  D I hope you read this.

We are working on our relationship. I want to stop hurting. I know he loves me and wants this marriage. I just hope he is strong enough and walks away so to say.  I also am fighting empty nest syndrome some as I posted previously and I am in pain. 

Now, I have experienced some good times. I am ready to share my enjoyment now. My next posts will be about the positive in my life.   

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3 comments:

  1. Dear Friend Jolene, I have just read your last post and it must have taken quite a bit of courage to put it all down for us to read and think about it. My daughter has been through quite a bit of the episodes that you have had with your boy and at the moment after a couple of horrific years, seems to be getting back on track again, which is a relief but they are still all walking on egg shells, not daring to believe the bad bits a definately all over.. Speaking about the betrayal that you felt with your husband finding a friend online, who is obviously on the take for sympathy and money, I am sure that I would have felt just the same and agonised as you did. That woman is a predator who sits waiting for vulnerable people to prey on ... so I do hope he has finished with writing to her. I think that his mid life crisis is also due to all the troubles and shocks you have endured, and the passing of your parent along with seeing the hurt and agony of your boy. He was reaching out to strangers to try and see if he could connect and feel back to normal again... Of course this can only be supplied by those you love, but sometimes the events are so difficult that even that connection can be broken.. It looks like your marriage will be saved as you both are working on it, and that is a good and positive thing. I hope that your life starts to pick up again, and that your depression will lift too. I feel very strongly that you are a very strong person who internalises everything inside and keeps a positive outside person for the world to see, whilst underneath peddling as fast as one can! putting it down on paper certainly does seem to help understand all the bits and pieces that can get lost whilst you try to keep everything all together... the best advice I dare to offer, is keep talking to your man, and try and try to reconnect in that deep way you had before .... he is just as sad and depressed by all that has gone on before and also knows that your marriage is worth working on... Good luck dear girl, I hope life is turning a bit better for you... chin up and hugs from over the water in the UK....

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  2. Oh Jolene. I am a little late to replying as I haven't checked my blog in ages... but you just broke my heart. As much as I hate to admit, I know what you are going through. Please reach out if you need a friend to talk to. LisaAnnWilliamsUT@gmail.com is my new email address.

    Take care!

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  3. Jolene. I just have no words except to say that you are one strong, solid rock of a woman and I am always here to chat with if you feel the need. I look forward to the positive posts coming up and I am very happy that your husband is on board to strengthen your relationship.

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