Monday, May 14, 2018

He Loves Me

I had the best weekend in a long time.  I believe my husband has recommitted to our marriage. We talked so much over the weekend and he did special little things for me.

Last night was the best. We just kissed and held on to one another while our song played. We then talked more about how we felt about one another and our relationship. We both agreed we were just taking one another for granted. He actually told me he was thankful we talked this weekend and was actually happy we did though at the beginning he did not.

This weekend has taken one of the burdens off of me.

How was your weekend?


Sunday, April 15, 2018

Visit From My Sister And Dad

I struggled if I should post about what happened to me this past week or not but I feel so great with what happened that I cannot share.  First flashback four years ago when my Dad died.  I was the only one of us girls who was not there his last night. I have carried this guilt for four years.  I had hoped he knew I loved him.  I asked my Mom this a few times.  Fast forward to Lisa's death. Her last hour was not pleasant. It sounded like she was drowning and she jolted up looking like she was mad or in pain.  I talk to them, my Dad and Lisa, all the time as well as talk to God. Many times I ask the same thing; Dad did you know I love you?  Lisa were you in pain in the end?  I share other things that are on my mind as well.

A few weeks ago one of my coworkers came to me and told me there was a group going to see a medium and wanted to know how I felt about it.  I was intrigued and decided to go.  One thing my sister and I had in common was the love for butterflies but she was obsessed. For her funeral we wore butterfly pins and I wore a special butterfly scarf.  The night of the medium I decided to wear my pin. I turned my collar over to hide my pin. It was my way of testing.  I do believe in spirits and angels. The Bible even spoke of spirits and angels speaking to people so I did not fear, I was just a little skeptical.
My Dad, Mom, Lisa (the blonde), and me.

When he arrived he turned his head abruptly and looked at me.  He did this several times during his 30 minute introduction. He even stopped at one point and told the spirit to be patient he needs to finish his introduction first.  He told us he signed when he spoke to them and he would speak in the spirit's mannerism.  After his introduction he immediately went to me and said he has to start with me because the spirits are very strong and pulling him my way.  He asked me if I lost a sister recently. I answered yes. He told me he had two spirits stepping through my father and sister. He asked me if they both passed away from cancer.  I answered yes. He told me my father said, Yes he knows I love him and he loves me. He then told me my father was handing him red Rose's which is a sign of his love. I immediately began to cry. The one thing I have been saying over and over is I hope he knew I love him. He then said my sister wanted to tell me she was not in pain in the end and she is not in pain now.  I totally lost it at this point. There is no way anyone knew I had asked these questions over and over.
The blue orb that was present on the photos only when Lisa's balloon was rising up

He went on and told me he could tell Lisa had passed recently because she was carrying her luggage and spirits have their luggage at first when they are beginning their voyage on the other side. He would cuss every now and then and fling his arms and step side to side just like my sister did.  He told me she was visiting me in my dreams and sits beside my bed watching over me at night. She kissed me on the forehead. He asked me if she had two children. I answered yes, he said the oldest is a boy. Oh, she had one of each a girl too.  I answered yes. He told me she handed him red and white roses for her children. The red Rose's are for her love for them and the white is to congratulate one for getting married, having a baby, or graduating. My niece the month prior received he MBA certificate.  He asked if I have noticed my lights flickering at home and I answered yes. This is my sister messing with me and she thinks it's funny and plans to continue. She will send butterflies to show her love for us. He went on and I had four other family members come through, messages for sisters and my Mom.

His wife I thought was taking notes but she too speaks to spirits but hers is more through writing and drawing. During a break she stood up while I adjusted my sweater showing my butterfly pin. She pointed to me and called her husband's attention to my pin. He said yes, that's it she talked all the way here about it.  His wife came over to me with her paper she gave to me. She explained a spirit had shown her husband my pin, it is just like one she owns too. She said my sister talked about butterflies all the way there.  She told me my sister told her to tell me she was glad I was wearing the butterfly and it looked nice. His wife told me she kept staring at me to see what butterfly but didn't see it until then. She told me she said Butterflies are free and so amI now!! There were other things she shared as well to me like how she joked with me about What would do for a Klondike bar and she wanted me to remember truth or dare. She told her she loved her three sisters.

I am so amazed by all the validations given to me that night.  I have no more guilt regarding my Dad. I can sleep knowing Lisa was not in pain at the end.  I even chuckle when the lights flicker only in the room I am in.  I know some people do not believe and that is fine. I say I believe God is almighty and why not? He allowed angels and spirits to come to people in the Bible why would he not allow a loved one not to come through?


Monday, April 9, 2018

Messages To Heaven

Today marks the four year anniversary of my Dad's passing.  I cannot say over time it gets easier because that is not true, however time does heal. I will miss him forever.

Last year after my Uncle Marlyn passed away Lisa had made plans with my cousin to release balloons for the brothers. We girls knew what our cousin was going through and Lisa was a caring person and would do whatever she could for family and friends. Unfortunately, Lisa passed away before they were able to do it.  My cousin and I wanted to keep Lisa's idea to release balloons and send our messages of love to heaven but to include a balloon for her as well.  My sister's passing was tough on all of us, my aunts and uncles, the cousins who grew up with us as well as my Mom, sisters, her children, grandchildren, nephews and nieces.

We decided to plan our release the weekend before my Dad's anniversary date because February is way too cold.  We invited my sisters, Mom, and Lisa's children.  I picked up two balloons and my cousin picked up two balloons as well.  We used a Sharpie to write it messages to our loved ones; my Dad, my Uncle Marlyn, my Grandma, and Lisa.

Above: Our balloon to my Dad.
Below: Our balloon to Lisa, naturally  I had to get a butterfly balloon. 
Below: The Love Balloon is for my Uncle and the pink one for our Grandma.
We released Grandma's first and Taj released my Dad's.  His balloon quickly caught with my Grandma's balloon.
My Uncle's balloon went a little in a different direction but then quickly turned and chased after the other two balloons. Next was Lisa's balloon.   Her balloon just hovered for awhile. It was like her balloon did not want to go just like when Lisa passed away, she fought it as long as she could but suddenly her balloon soared upward as well.  My heart felt like we did a good thing until I saw my Mom. She was crying. I felt so bad that we made he cry but my Mom wanted to be there.
After we released the balloons we went to a restaurant to have lunch. My Mom, Katie and her daughter had some pop and a pie because they ate lunch prior.  My Mom by this time was looking like she was enjoying  the time with us again.  While we were there my cousin and I started to look at our pictures. We noticed something in our pictures that we did not see while we watched the balloons in real time.
Do you see it?  The orb, her balloon was the only one that had the orb in it.  The orb was not only in my cousin's pictures but it was in mine too.
We truly felt Lisa was there, especially since it was her idea.
We made the decision to do this every year and go out for lunch or a piece of pie.  Next year there will be one more balloon for Katie's little boy, his day is one day after Dad's so we will include one for him too.


Friday, April 6, 2018

Our Easter Celebration

This year was the first time we did not have Taj for Easter. He spent Easter at his other grandparents' house but the Saturday before we did have him and had planned many Easter activities for him.  Our day started with breakfast at one of the grocery stores where a couple of special visitors showed up.
The Easter Bunny and Chase from Paw Patrol came to visit.
After breakfast they had an Easter Egg hunt.  I loved how this hunt had more than just candy, chips and bottles of Snapple were included.
We picked up a special little cake for him and made a special basket for him. He was thrilled about his new book.
Later that afternoon I had reserved a spot for Taj at one of our local ceramic shops where he could paint two eggs and he received a little gift from the Easter Bunny.  He had such a good time.
The twins did not spend Easter with us as well. Saturday and Sunday were spent with their other grandparents but we did get a picture sent to us, they were in the outfits we picked up for them.  I just think they are so stinking cute. I am very blessed with three cute grandchildren.   Next year will be fun with them. 
What did you do for Easter?


Wednesday, March 28, 2018

My First Playmate And Best Friend Part 2 ~ Her Ending

December 30th was not a good day.  I was so hoping 2018 would be a better year than 2017.  In the morning Todd found out he had severe cataracts that just popped up and will need surgery.  9:30 pm my youngest sister Kaite called.  I knew something was wrong because she does not normally call me.  She told me Lisa was in the ER with Mom, her children, and husband (They were in the process of a divorce but Lisa had asked him to come home to help her because she was so sick.)  She told me they found cancer in her lung, lymphoid, and spine.  She was back getting another CAT Scan to try to find out where the cancer originated.  Katie and I knew this meant Lisa was in Stage 4 because we were told by doctors for my Dad that if the cancer spreads to another organ it means Stage 4.
Above: Lisa, Katie, and myself Christmas 2016
Below: Lisa and me
I called Lisa on the first to wish her Happy New Year.  We talked for hours, she cried and I held it together. I wanted to be the strong one for her this time.  She told me she was not going to beat this.  She knew then she did not have long.  She told me it was in all of the lymphoid around the stomach.  She had fluid around the stomach and her heart from the cancer.  This is why she felt like she had a heart attack.  I told her I would be there every weekend and if need be during the week too.  She told me I did not have to.  I asked if she did not want me there and she giggled and said she wanted me to but she did not want me to pay for the gas.  I reassured her this is what I wanted as well. 

I began to go to Des Moines more often every weekend to see her. The second Friday in January I had the day off. That morning Todd had his surgery consultation and then after that I went to spend the day with Lisa.  Lisa was weak and she did not get out of bed. I sat in her bed and shared the best day with her.  It was our last great day.
Lisa with her son Freddie and daughter Julie.
They were her sunshine and meant the world to her.

The following week she had her biopsy and the middle of January she met with her Oncologist for the first time.  She was told she had non-small cell lung cancer.  If this was caught early she could have survived.  The following week she was going to have her first chemo and the next day radiation and an MRI and PET Scan of her brain because the doctor feared it has spread.   The next day (Friday) she was called in by the doctor and asked to come in for a blood transfusion.   This wore Lisa out and with Wednesday being her first chemo and Thursday the radiation and PET Scan and MRI, I chose to stay and not go and visit.  I wanted her to rest and be ready for her big week.  However, Sunday night my Mom called around 11:30.  Lisa's breathing was not good and they feared she was not going to make it through the night.  I stayed with her the next two days and helped take care of my sister.  She managed to turn things around and looked like she was going to be with us a little while longer.  When I left on Tuesday afternoon, she cried and asked me to stay with her.  She wanted to sleep in the same bed again like when we were kids.  I told her I would be back in 3 days.  I would be there on Friday night and stay the weekend with her again.
 Above: Lisa with her oldest grandchild. (Her son's daughter.)
 Below: Lisa with her 4th grandchild.  (Her son's son.)
Lisa found the strength, I think it was all for her children, to go to chemo to find out she had a type of cancer where she could not have the typical chemotherapy.  She did a shot Keytruda.  This would take 3 months to see any affects and she could only have 3 shots 1 every 3 weeks.  The next day was supposed to be her radiation only to find out it was a consultation only.  When she returned from radiation she asked why our Dad was there.  It was that day on when she kept talking to our Dad and said he showed her what Heaven looked like.  Our Aunt Sylvia would come and visit her too.  She told Lisa not to be scared she will not be alone, they were all preparing for her.  Lisa had her PET Scan and MRI.  No cancer in the brain however it was in her skull and all of her bones now.  
Above:  Lisa telling cancer what she thought the first day of her chemo

I kept coming every weekend and stayed the nights Friday, Saturday and left to go home on  Sunday to return to work.  My Mom was finally able to go home to sleep while I was there.  I worried about her as well.  Lisa needed care 24 hours by this time.  I kept my word and her wish, we slept in bed once again with one another.  The first night she made a little giggle noise and told me it was funny how we were sleeping in the same bed again.  On January 30th, one month from when we found out she had cancer, she went for her first radiation treatment only to be told the cancer was too advance there was nothing they can do.  Time beat the treatment.  Cancer was winning and Lisa was losing.  Lisa was down to 90 pounds.  They told us it was time for Hospice and the doctor gave her one week.  
 Lisa with her daughter Julie.
Julie lives in Minnesota and would come down just about every Thursday through Saturday and spend time with her Mom.  While most of the time her three children and husband stayed home.
Her husband was so wonderful to send Julie and not let her worry about home.
41 days...that is all we had with Lisa once she found out she had cancer.  It was a long 41 days in some ways because she was in so much pain but it was so fast where we barely had time to wrap our brain around the fact we were losing our Lisa.   I was able to go down in between snow storms and arrived at 9 pm on Friday, February 9th.  Mom and I went to her house around 11 pm and tried to get a little sleep.  Lisa's nurse had told us she most likely would pass that weekend.  We received a call at midnight to come back as soon as we can.  The snow was awful and it was very slick but we made it.  Lisa was surrounded by her children, Katie, Mom, and myself.  Her husband was there but he stayed out of our way most of the time.  Lisa held my Mom's hand and was calling out to "Daddy".  Lisa left us at 2 am on February 10th.   My heart has never hurt as much as it has with the loss of Lisa.  December 27th will never be the same, I will not be able to share my birthday with my sister here on earthy any longer.  The only comfort I have is knowing she is not suffering any longer and she is with our Dad and grandparents.   I love you Lisa.


Thursday, March 22, 2018

My First Playmate and Best Friend Part 1 ~ Our Relationship

I have three sisters. I love them all and as we grew up we all were close to one another but naturally Lisa and I had a closer bond and Amy and Katie had a closer bond all because of our age difference.  As adults some of the relationships did change.
I am the oldest and Lisa was born on my first birthday.  We are exactly one year apart.  My parents had a 10 year span between having more children.  I have no clue why but there is.  Amy and Katie are two years and two days apart from each other.
Lisa was my first friend and playmate. My parents would tell me she was my first birthday gift.  I could not imagine a better person growing up with.  She was way more outgoing and I was more motherly to her.  I did not think it was fair I was able to go to school prior to her and as soon as I came home I would teach her what I learned that day.   Lisa and I were two peas in a pod.

Lisa was full of spirit and ornery.  She had a loving heart but was mischievous and tended to find trouble.  When she was angry she would destroy my toys but once she calmed down she was remorseful.  I would tend to give in and give her her way because she was my little sister and I loved her.  I was more laid back and would not stand up for myself to anyone but Lisa had no problems standing up for me.  She would also love to make people laugh.
We were on many softball teams together.  She was so good at batting and catching.

Lisa and I were abused by our father, she turned to alcohol and drugs where I turned to music.  We fought a lot during our teen years because of how we learned to deal with what was going on.  I went an entire year without talking to her because I was so mad at her.  I could not understand why she chose the path she did.  We had each other and should have relied on each other if others were not there.  My heart softened when she told me she was going to have a baby.  Lisa was so much a part of my life again during this time although I lived away from home going to college.  After her second child she found her way back to drugs and during the next three years I would go and find her on occasions when she would leave her children with a family friend.  I would tell her she needs to go home and be the Mom I knew she could be, most of the time she would listen to me and go home.  Lisa was a good mom.  She loved her children a lot.

Lisa did shut me out of her life for nearly a decade until she found her way back. I tried and tried to get a hold of her but she would not respond back.   She later apologize for doing this and told me how she wished she never did this.   Lisa not only stood up for me but my children as well.  When my ex-husband was being abusive to me or my oldest she would rush to my house with her son both carrying a bat.  We both found it in our hearts to forgive our father as well.  She made her family a priority and was there once again.  Our Lisa we loved so much.  She always owned her mistakes and was a role model to others for doing this as well.  She was always supportive and never judged anyone.
The last year, Lisa and I would talk late at night.  I shared everything with her, how I felt so left out of the family.  How lonely I was.  She would listen and tell me how loved I am.  I shared how depressed I was over Noah. What was going on with my marriage and job. She was very trustworthy.  She would share what was going on with her marriage and her job.  We would talk about our grandchildren a lot.  Lisa was such an awesome Nana.  She was always a kid at heart.

Then she started not answering her phone again in the middle October. In November Mom was telling me how sick Lisa was and how worried she was. She thought Lisa had a mild heart attack. She said Lisa kept putting off going to the heart specialist. I encouraged Mom to push her more.  Lisa finally did and the EKG and heart stress test came back on our birthday.  Her heart was good.
She came to Mom's on Christmas Day but she did not stay long because she wasn't feeling well.  Lisa had kept going to the clinic since October and they kept telling her it was a virus and her white blood count was up.  My Mom and niece kept asking me my opinion what it could be a virus lasting this long.  My Mom was sure it was an infection in her intestines but I knew.  I knew what was wrong with my sister by looking at her.  I couldn't share it with them.  That night while Todd and I were getting ready for bed he mentioned did anyone think about cancer.  It was then I broke down and cried.  I told him she does.  Lisa had cancer I just don't know where.  Todd just looked at me and asked how I could be so positive and I explained because of the color of her skin. The grayish ash color was exactly like my Dad's color near the end.  I told him she does not have long.  I spoke to my Mom on my birthday and she asked me again what could it be and what could cause the white blood count to be elevated.  I could hear the fear in her voice. I didn't have the heart to tell her.  I explained there are several things that can cause it and mentioned all of them with cancer being stuck in the middle of my list. 

On December 30th she was rushed to the ER because of the pain.  That night it was confirmed...


He Loves Me