Friday, July 16, 2010

Just the way I am.

Occasionally, I become quiet to most and very hard on myself. Summers have always been fun, we spend many summer nights sitting on our porch with a nice cool drink and on Todd’s nights off, and we will even have some nice frozen drinks and make fruit smoothie for the kids. We typically take 2 weeks off and plan to do things with the family and get away for a week or several days. A summer passion of ours is our gardens, vegetable as well as for me flowers. Another passion of ours Sand Volleyball league we play on. I am frustrated with myself because I have not loss as much weight as I had planned by this time.

This summer so far has been a let down to me in so many ways and I have moments that I am truly sad and sometimes feel left out. I know no one in my family is meaning to do this and I have no means of pointing it out to them. It is not their fault I feel this way, so I need to pick myself up and move on. Well, some things I have shared with my husband.

The first thing that is a let down this summer is our gardens. We planned all winter and started planting seeds in the spring. Most of our seeds did not take this year, but we had to start them in a different place compared to last year due to Emily using the bedroom now. Well she does not stay in it at all, it is more of storage of her belongings and that is entirely a different topic and thorn in my side when I have three of my sons sharing one room. One being in High School, one in Junior High, and the youngest in Elementary, again, I do not even want to start that tangent. Any way, I guess it was an early sign that our gardens will not flourish like last year. I was so excited about finishing the small flowerbeds around the shed. I did not expect them to be full as the front, it has been 3 years in the making and the flowers spreading, but unfortunately, the side of the different types of lilies, I did not get see most of the flowers bloom because of the rabbits eating them. I have researched what I can do differently and adding alyssums as my borders will be necessary from now on. The vegetable garden is not doing as well either. The tomatoes look sick and the plants themselves look to be dying. We will not have many of our own fresh tomatoes for me to be able to can with this fall. None of our squash or zucchini turned out due to the squash vine borer. We do plan to start new and hope to have a fall harvest of these crops. We are having problems with our broccoli, cauliflower, corn, sugar snap, and cucumbers as well this year. Our beans and peppers are doing great. Due to my knee, I have not been able to assist as much in the garden, however last weekend felt great. I was able to spend 3 hours each day in the garden; weeding and harvesting beans. I did not feel useless or left out last weekend. I felt sore in the arms, shoulder, and back from all the activity. Not a bad sore but a good workout sore. I loved that feeling. I loved the feeling of being productive as well.

This is a great segment into my next let down. Sand Volleyball league. I am not able to participate at all this year because of the knee. I do enjoy watching Todd and Joshua play, but last weekend for some reason it was tough. I wanted to get onto the sand and play in the worse way. I watched the team laugh and have a good time and felt like an outsider for some reason watching. I cheered as I usually do but I did not feel the connection as if I was playing. After the game, Todd and one of our team players did not help by talking to one another on a subject that was just the two of them. I finally got sick of it after 40 minutes of just waiting and being bit by bugs that I just left.

We are not really having vacation like the one we typically do this year. Todd is not able to take any time off this summer due to the new communication center. He was promoted to a shift supervisor and has been putting many extra hours in. This has been great for him, because he was starting to feel very down about his job. At times, he would feel that he is at a stand still with his career and have self-doubt with his life at times. We all do this from time to time; I know I am stuck there with my job as well. I was thrilled that he got this position, I think it will do wonders for him, I just wish he were not on the third shift any longer. I was really hoping he would be on first shift; however, I would dread it more if he ended up on second shift. I would rarely have time with him on that shift. We did have a weekend vacation and we are going to try to go camping one weekend this summer. I miss camping and I do have a concern with camping. Depending on the ground, how rough the terrain, it may be hard on the knee. Also sleeping on the air mattress, getting up and down, I know will be difficult on the knee. I think I am going to try to get one of the newer air mattresses that set up higher.

We have not had one successful bonfire this year. I attempted one with Noah and his friends for his “Welcome Summer” party, but I think it was just too damp that day. We have not had any time on the porch as we typically do.

I think this is a bigger one for me…it is the summer before Joshua’s senior year. I am so not looking forward to Joshua graduating. Yes, he has been a little thorn from time to time but he is a good kid. He has been so understand. Occasionally he will complain how the girls do nothing around the house and it is not fair, but I do not blame him. He is right, it would and is old that they do not put forth effort and assist where they should, yet they complain about how things are sometimes. He has not complained how he hasn’t had driver’s education therefore does not have his driving license yet. He has not complained for the most part about sharing a room with his younger brothers. I know he is not happy about it but he understands. When he was younger, he would tell me that when he gets older he is going to take care of me. He does not realize how much he does take care of me now. I love time with him. I love how he makes me laugh. I love the same with the other boys, but Joshua has a showman personality. I love how he interacts with Todd. He is so helpful around the house inside and out. He knows and understands my limitations and will jump right in to help where I cannot. Joshua is trying to go to college out of state and this is going to be very tough on me. I want all of my children to spread their wings and be successful; I just do not think I am ready to let them fly so far away yet. I do not want to deal with the senior attitude that all of the children so far developed. I do not want to ruin the relationship we have for a short while.

I just hope I can snap out of this, so I can enjoy the rest of the summer. As stated earlier, I did share some of these feelings with Todd. I hope that he will assist with some of this. I know he cares and he does try. He made dinner reservations two nights ago to a wonderful restaurant in a small town about 30 minutes away from us, since the boys are with the paternal grandmother this week. He has also made plans for our anniversary in two weeks. Chicago, here we come. He found some free things for us to do that would be perfect for us. One of them is dancing. On Sunday’s in the park, they have a professional provide free dance lessons. The Sunday we will be there, it will be the “Waltz”. One that we feel we need a lot more help with. We will get to dance for our anniversary, something that I miss so much.

1 comment:

  1. Sigh... I'm sorry you're in a funk. I totally understand as I've been in one as well. Everything you've written makes sense. And you're right, it's you and you can't fix others. Still, I know from experience and from what you've written, it's very frustrating. I wish you a very happy week. Happy early anniversary. Happy parenthood too. You HAVE done a great job. Love you. ((((((hugs))))))


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