Monday, August 23, 2010

Mixed Emotions-- I can just kick myself now.

I hate that I let this weight get in the way of this. My 25th class reunion was this pass weekend. I did not go; I did not want to go alone. I needed Todd to go with me to feel more confident maybe? I do not know. He does not know any of the people I graduated. Maybe because I was afraid I would be alone. Now that is a stupid feeling as well because I knew at least 4 people that were going that I know would have included me and not make me feel like an outcast. Why? Why did I worry about this when I had many friends back then? I have struggled with this Friday; it was the first scheduled night of the reunions. This is the one that I really wish I went to. It was more informal and I think two of my friends went to this event only. The pictures they posted on Facebook looked like it was a good time. I even had a dream about the reunion that night prior to seeing photos.

I think the main reason I held back and insecurity is my weight. I am 7 sizes larger then I was when I graduated. I am 120 lbs heavier then I was when I graduated. That is an entire person. I know people tend to gain weight, they have wrinkles, and hair does turn to have gray in it. The pictures I saw showed all of these elements, but no one gained as much weight as I did that I noticed in the pictures, some look exactly as they did the day we graduated. It was as if time stood still for them. Lucky SOBs.

I think another reason is that I feel career wise, I am not at my potential at all. Here I have a BA and I work at an entry level basically. Yes, I am considered as a “leader” position so to say but with no title or pay.

So here I am today, regretting my decision mainly because of my weight once again. I seriously need to get serious about this and take care of my unhealthy state.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Summer 2010

Summer is nearly over and Fall is just around the corner. Although this Summer was disappointing compared to Summers past, I did have some great times. Here is a highlight of the good times.

I may not have been able to view all of my lilies I planted due to bunny rabbits eating them, I did have plenty to enjoy this year.

My front yard landscaping began.

I was not able to play any sand volleyball games this year, but I did enjoy watching the Hoo Hoo's play.

(All the regular players minus Susan.)

We had a weekend family vacation this year in Wisconsin Dells. We stayed at hotel Rome and had two days at Mt. Olympus.

This was the first Summer that Noah played outdoors as a kid should. I loved listening to his giggles outdoors and watching him play. He was outside more this Summer then he has ever been.

Todd and I had a few weekend away. Our first was in Chicago during the month of May. We visited the Garfield Conservatory.

Hotel Isle Capri in Bettendorf. We had two stays there. One included Ethan and Noah as well.

Another trip to Chicago to celebrate our 2nd Anniversary.

I very much enjoyed Emily while she was around. She was very pleasant and into family once again. I missed this Emily. I also enjoyed seeing Matthew more this Summer as well. It was nice to see him daily for a few weeks, hopefully he will visit more often since he has moved back to our city. I am in hopes that we will be able to put Todd's hammock together to enjoy maybe one day of resting before it gets too cold. I also hope that once it cools down some, Todd and I will be enjoying our porch as we have every other Summer since we finished it.

Sunday, August 8, 2010


This weekend was the perfect medicine for what I needed. I have been fighting the blues big time. I needed the rest and relaxation that we had. Originally we had planned to go camping, but with the excessive raining many of the campgrounds have been closed and that meant the campgrounds that remained open filled quickly. Todd's Mother got a suite both Friday and Saturday night for us. Kera, Emily, and Joshua did not stay with us however they did drive down on Friday night to have dinner with everyone. Matthew is in St Louis visiting his Uncle and cousins. Friday was a rough start but Saturday and Sunday was absolutely what we needed. Saturday we (Todd, Ethan, Noah, and I )swam and sat in the hot tub. Our room had a jacuzzi, we all took advantage of this several times. I brought several magazines and have looked through them and read the articles I wanted. One of the articles I will talk about another time...I am going to apply this article to my life. I definitely think it will be more useful. I also picked up a new book and started to read it _The_Shack._ I'm enjoying it so far. This weekend's relaxation I have come to the decision changes need to be made.


After reflecting on Friday night while in the jacuzzi I have so many ingredients in my pot that is boiling over. Time to isolate those ingredients and change them to a more healthier version.


1 c Work
3/4 c Summer
1/4 c Joshua
1 c Aging

Mix all ingredient in a pot with normal day to day and place on high. Stir occasionally. Just sit back and watch it boil over.

Stepping back and putting things in perspective the amount of ingredients at this point of time is accurate. The amounts of ingredients may change depending on how ripe they are. This is the unhealthy version. All of these emotions this week, I have to make some serious changes. I feel so unorganized in my life right now and it's time to get back to my basics plus more and Friday night did not help one bit. The month of August will be re-organizing and claiming my own at the house. With exception of the shed, the house will be organized and anything not used will be gone. I'm tired of the clutter. I can't take it any longer. This will start with my healthier mind setting to be able to accomplish what I need. I have been here in this house for over 5 years. I don't think I should have boxes that have not been opened any longer, stored away. Yes, I will keep some things that are value in storage but my decorations need to be present in the house as well. Painting...painting will be done by end of October no matter what, even if it means, I will start to paint when I get home. This is my home too and my decor taste should be in all the rooms not just the porch. Well, our children should have their own decor in their rooms. By the end of this year, the house will feel warm, not cold with white walls any longer. One thing that is constant, I do know I am loved by my husband and the boys. I'm very blessed to have Todd in my life. The boys I am blessed too, they are good boys just going through some rough times once in awhile. If their Father was more of a parent in their life and support me as well, then some of those rough times may not be so enhanced.

I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test*

Accomplishments in career...this is bugging me the most. I do feel unappreciated where I work, not by my co-workers. They do look up to me and realize I'm there for them. This makes me feel good, but I desire more. Reflecting 25 years ago graduating from high school, 21 years ago I graduated from college. I do not even hold a position that at the level of a college degree. I worked hard to get my degree. I paid for it with my time, knowledge, emotions, as well as financially. It has never bothered me as much until recently. I'm not saying I am better then my co-workers. All I am saying is that I want to be working at a position that is a college degree level and with the opportunity to have one in my own department has made the desire stronger. Yet I didn't think I had a chance until I spoke to one of my supervisors. I now believe it will be fair since she will have a say in who is filling the position. That is all I really wanted an equal opportunity because I know that 3 others in my department will do a good job at it as well. The only way to make this a healthier ingredient is to be more actively searching and putting myself out there.

All I can say is that I HATE the HealthCare Reform. It is going to have a serious effect on my place of employment. Within the next 4 years, I definitely see some of the products we support no longer existing and that will create serious down sizing in my department. This freaks me out entirely. I was without a job 6 years ago and it took a long time to find something that paid near what I was making. I'm just starting to be near cleaning up that financial disaster and with the medical bills I have from my biopsy and test procedures just a few months ago and getting 3 boys ready for the school year is just way too much.

(Turn and face the strain)
Don't want to be a richer man
(Turn and face the strain)
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time*

Summer is coming to an end and I have had some enjoyable weekends, but this knee has held me back from enjoying the garden. Todd working so much for the new communication center has taken a toll on our porch time. I don't think we have had any at all. It's the time of season that Todd gets the blues, school starting back. It's always crazy for him at work with all the college kids getting back. Our garden was not successful at all this year. Only 5 pints of salsa that we can't even store because vinegar was forgotten when it was made. Out of 28 tomato plants, only 5 pints. So far 9 frozen bags of green beans and 4 frozen yellow wax beans. This is just the first picking, however someone, not sure exactly, left the freezer door open so all of our beans thawed and we have to discard them. This is just sickening to me. All this time and preparing for gardening and then after preparing for freezing and what do we have to show for it this year, not much. Todd did pick up a new book about gardening. We think we know what is going on with some of our problems and we will work hard to improve the situation next year if we can. This is the only thing I can think of to make this ingredient healthier and hopefully whatever time is left of the summer, we will enjoy the porch on his nights off.

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence and
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through*

This past month has been very rough at times with Joshua. I'm just not set mentally for his Senior year. Oh how I love this kid and he is a good kid, but he lately truly believes he has the right to adult privileges that he can go and do whatever it is he wants. He feels that he does not have to abide to the rules or what I say. This is a battle I went through with Matthew for the last 5 months he lived here before moving to go to college. Joshua is starting 8 months sooner. Matthew took so much out of me. This weekend was another example. I chose to leave Joshua home since he has a friend moving to Colorado on Sunday. This will also be his last weekend before school starts since he will be going to Des Moines in the middle of the week to work at the State Fair. I had to think about leaving him at home. I have such a battle with this because he does tend to take advantage of me. I told him not to betray my trust because this will be his last test. I told him he is not to have anyone, not one in the house under no circumstance. Yet when we came back, he let it slip that he did have two girls over, where they ate dinner. Why? Why does this kid constantly do whatever he is told not to do? He just doesn't get it, how if you lie, I have caught him in three this summer, that you can't totally trust someone like they wish and think they deserve. I am grateful that he is not into drugs or alcohol, but I do worry about his lieing to people and doing whatever he wants. Joshua getting a job has been an ongoing battle since last summer. He promised that he would fine one this summer, yet after the first month and not trying at all, he told me he sees no reason to have a job. This is so frustrating to me; not only is it frustrating, but I don't know how to make this ingredient healthier. I just don't know.

Where's your shame
You've left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can't trace time*

Later this month is my High School's 25 Year Reunion, this made me think about accomplishments in my life. Yes, the boys are my greatest accomplishments and yes, I did lose a part of me. Only regret that I lost of me was taking care of myself as well. I'm feeling so much older then I really am. I see lines on my face around the eyes, it doesn't freak me out any. We all age and they are just little ones right now. It's the aches in the joints and not being able to physically do what I used to that bugs me. This is obvious what I need to do to make my Ch-ch-Changes. I need to get back into my routine with logging what I eat, eat healthier, and daily exercise. After I lose weight some of my mobility should be better. I am not fooling myself, I know that I have aches that are basically from a form of arthritis and until I have the total knee replacement I will be limited. I can contribute to a little more flexibility though. I want to enjoy the simple things in life. I want to be around for Ethan and Noah to graduate. I want to be around and do the things I have always wanted to do as a grandparent. Only I hold the key to change this ingredient to a healthier version and the time is now.

Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace I'm going through*

Pretty soon you're gonna get a little older
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can't trace time

Artist: David Bowie
Album: Hunky Dory 1972

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Drama Friday...ERRRRR

What a crazy evening Friday night was! It was suppose to be a beginning of a mini vacation, one that would be relaxing. Friday night we met with family because our nephew is moving to Las Vegas. I can not believe how one of the girls is so jealous of everything as if she is going to do without. When she was suppose to move to Florida last September we had a family gathering for her too, however the week before the actual gathering her moving plans were on hold until later. We still are waiting and was told that night that she was not sure if she wanted to make the move or not now. I just wish she would figure out what she does want and stick to it. It is time for her to become responsible once again.

While we were at said dinner, I felt attacked by an Aunt and Uncle to one of the boys. They love to tease however, they also don't know when to quit when they have gone to far and it always ends up in some fight and then drama. This night was no different, only thing was I was the "one" this time. They went on how my son should be able to use minutes on my cell plan. Now, none of this is their business. Prior to him losing his phone for the third time in the wash, he would use more minutes then he was suppose to and this would cost me any where between $50-$110 more a month. When my son got his new phone I made it clear, since we were adding unlimited text, his suggest so he would not use any minutes, that he is not suppose to use any. The first month alone he used more then Todd and I combined. I was furious that he did this. Now, now, do not judge me. I have other bills right now that I can not afford to go over in minutes when I just added $30 to my bill as is. I have over $800 known at this time for my medical procedures done in June. I have to register 3 boys for school and get supplies as well as clothing. I have to pay for Driver's Ed for said child that is using the minutes and it is his Senior year so there are so many other extra costs. This Aunt and Uncle do not pay my bills so they have no right to put their two cents worth in regardless if they are teasing or not. Now the Aunt realized it was creating tension at the table between my son and I and she said she is sorry and did not want this she was just joking, yet they continued. They moved from the cell phone minutes to how I am too strict on him and give him no freedom. How he is going to be a Senior and should stay out when he wants to. What? He is in freaking school still. He is still a minor and I am accountable for him still. He is my dependent, my child! How dare they judge me, I have never judged them on their parent skills. What gives them the right? I ended up blowing up at the Uncle and saying some very mean things. I told him I was sorry as soon as they came out and told them that they have no right to judge me and then turned to my husband and told him I was ready to go for the walk inside the place and check it out now. (He suggested this once he came back from the restroom.)

When it came time to leave, there was a huge fight between people. I guess one of my step daughters carried it on to the Grandmother asking her to put her two cents in about my parenting and when she did not hear what she wanted this made her mad. Grandma answered diplomatic and said how she felt, yes not tactful but she is what she is.

What a mess. The jacuzzi tub was exactly what I needed when we got back to our hotel room. What a freaking mess it was.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Flashback Friday 7

Mom and I. I think I was close to 3 years old. Sometimes I yearn for the simple days.

He Loves Me