Monday, August 23, 2010

Mixed Emotions-- I can just kick myself now.

I hate that I let this weight get in the way of this. My 25th class reunion was this pass weekend. I did not go; I did not want to go alone. I needed Todd to go with me to feel more confident maybe? I do not know. He does not know any of the people I graduated. Maybe because I was afraid I would be alone. Now that is a stupid feeling as well because I knew at least 4 people that were going that I know would have included me and not make me feel like an outcast. Why? Why did I worry about this when I had many friends back then? I have struggled with this Friday; it was the first scheduled night of the reunions. This is the one that I really wish I went to. It was more informal and I think two of my friends went to this event only. The pictures they posted on Facebook looked like it was a good time. I even had a dream about the reunion that night prior to seeing photos.

I think the main reason I held back and insecurity is my weight. I am 7 sizes larger then I was when I graduated. I am 120 lbs heavier then I was when I graduated. That is an entire person. I know people tend to gain weight, they have wrinkles, and hair does turn to have gray in it. The pictures I saw showed all of these elements, but no one gained as much weight as I did that I noticed in the pictures, some look exactly as they did the day we graduated. It was as if time stood still for them. Lucky SOBs.

I think another reason is that I feel career wise, I am not at my potential at all. Here I have a BA and I work at an entry level basically. Yes, I am considered as a “leader” position so to say but with no title or pay.

So here I am today, regretting my decision mainly because of my weight once again. I seriously need to get serious about this and take care of my unhealthy state.

1 comment:

  1. Sigh. I'm so incredibly sorry that you're feeling limited, stuck, and trapped by your weight. Yet, I know from experience that being "above ideal" comes with looks, comments, and friendly suggestions. In fact, this reminds me of the episode of "Designing Women" called, "They Shoot Fat Women Don't They" about Suzanne Sugarbaker being voted as most changed due to her weight. How sad to measure the love in a person's heart, their positive impact on the world, and their ability to create beauty strictly by weight.

    I hope that you can find a weight that makes you happy, works for your body, and brings back your confidence. So many people love you. Weight hasn't taken away your beauty, industry, intelligence, or kindness.

    As for jobs... No advice there either. It reminds me of when I was at Farm Bureau. No matter how many things I did right, they could always find something wrong to keep me from moving up. It was miserable. I actually hated working there. I was a "level 10" doing the work of "level 15+" but I couldn't get promoted or raises. Sometimes it's just the organization that's broken. Perhaps this is not the organization you're meant to be with long-term.

    I love you. I wish you continued happiness. I hope you can reconcile who you are inside with your outside. Good luck with your weight. It's not an easy task.


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