I am very pissed off right now so I think Monday Moans would be a very very bad idea, so I will do a Miscellany Monday instead.
***HUGE SIGH*** I hate children when they become seniors. I know I know hate is such a harsh word but I do hate it. We have had problems with each child but Joshua he totally takes the cake. So very disappointing to me, the fact that he used drugs was a shocker but today's events has changed my perception of him entirely. He and I have different set of morals. He feels that lieing to someone is perfectly fine. He feels because he does a good deed then that should exempt him for doing a bad deed. He is very unappreciative for everything I do do. He thinks it is something he is entitled too. Yes, yes, I understand this is all typical behavior. Calling a mother a "Stupid Bitch" or telling me to "Fuck You" or even "Fuck this!" I would never say to my mother not even to a father that was worthless to me most of my life. Yes, I did tell him I hate him once. These things I think are wrong but are things said out of anger but what he did was crossing the line. See he was angry with me because I would not let him do something he wanted. He kept wanting to know why and truthfully I just did not want to argue this point any longer. His technique is to keep at me to wear me down where I end up giving in because I can not take it any longer. I have known this for some time but when he bragged to his older brother about it, I felt I will no longer let him have the upper hand when it comes to this. He will no longer manipulate when I feel strong about something. Today was one of those things. I heard everything above plus, "I wish I had a different Mother." I thought really? Really? Kid after everything I have gone through with you, for you really? So I thought for now, I am done with the extras for this ungrateful child of mine. He runs his mouth and influences Ethan. It frustrates me to no end. I took his phone from him. A cell phone is an extra, let a different Mother provide one for him.
I knew he talked to one of my best friends. This is another one of his tactics. He will go to Todd or my friend to have them tell me what I am doing wrong, how I am being a bad mother. Prior to calling her to talk with her about her conversation, I checked his phone. This is how I found out he was using drugs by seeing something that was so unordinary for him. Well I noticed a text to my best friend's son also his friend. I read " I just want to stab her. I hate her that much. I would love to stab her." Reply back from said friend "Remember to stab and twist my friend, it's all in the technique." Wow!!! This is not normal anger. This is over the line to make threats like this is not normal.
He asked for me to let him emancipate, he has four months before he is 18 and graduates. I see no purpose of this action, plus he has no where to go.
I absolutely hate senior year of a child.
Tomorrow will be my first day back after the cut backs. I am scared to some point but anxious to go back to get away from home.
I am/have been fighting dark days. I am definitely seeing the glass half empty not half full. I want to enjoy life, the life I have found. I will keep plugging away looking for the light to help me out of the dark days.
I am excited that next week, one week from tomorrow we will start dance lessons again. This will help my dark days. I can not explain how much the dance lesson mean to me and how great they make me feel. I know I am not the best dancer but I love spending time with him and laughing. I do have a concern with my knees, they are both aching due to the weather but I do not want to give it up.
My older son will/has gone back to college this next semester. His uncle and grandmother assisted him. Now he needs to keep his nose to the grind and do well. Prior to going to the University he was an honor student 3.98 GPA. He ran into his ex-girlfriend around Homecoming and things went down hill for him. He will be seeking help for his depression but it cost his grades, he is on academic probation and needs to show them in order to stay in the program. I have faith in him, he just needs to do it. He needs to not let this depression get the best of him. I am speaking from experience as well as a mother.
Well Kera made it official. She told her grandmother in a beautiful way that she is expecting. I am anxious for March because she will have an ultrasound. I hope the baby is cooperating and we can find out the sex of the baby. She wants a girl or as she says a "little diva" but her gut feeling is that she is carrying a boy. David is planning on coming up towards the middle of February. I hope he is good to her and they work this out. I know she is not my biological daughter but I do worry about her. It is going to be a tough road but if someone is willing to put 100% effort in it, it is reachable.
Todd picked up our new ceiling fan for the Kitchen. I did not expect him to pick it up so soon. He also picked up a medallion that will go around the base of our new light. It will look very nice once it is done. He also picked up paint to paint the ceiling. Next will be removing the wall paper then painting the walls and cupboards. He is really into remodeling the Kitchen right now. I am not going to stop him. I am loving it as well.
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