Thursday, February 2, 2012

Who Am I Right Now?

Who I am right now, is not really who I am. 
Since Thursday I have not been the best me at all.
Actually it had been longer than since Thursday.
Just Thursday things came to head.
Every day I cry.  
I plan to post but do not. 
I have in my head what I want to post but do not. 
I had my HAPPY post planned in my head but I could not.
I am not HAPPY.
I wanted to participate in We Want to Know but could not.

I do not want my followers to think I am a Debbie Downer
but I am depressed right now.
I keep paddling and paddling but I am barely treading.

What is wrong with me?
I have so many things going at me right now...

Dealing with Dad's Cancer is bothering me.
More than my closest friends can even imagine.  
Why is it bothering me?
A man who has not been in my life for so many year.  
Mainly because he is my father and I do love him.

Work...Todd's and mine.
Having one son not go back to college due to money
(he not saving or paying like he should have)
and feeling relief that the oldest one was able to continue...
only to find out I was deceived last night that he had to take some time off as well due to expense.  
My older boys are partying a little too much.
It totally frightens me.  
I know it is an age thing to some degree.
We have alcoholism in our family.  
My father's cancer is all from being an alcoholic.

One of my step daughter is going through some rough time with abuse.  
Finally, she is following through.
Doing what she should have from the start.
The law is finally involved.
It could have brought up some feelings...
I thought I was past from my first marriage.
Death threats to intimidate.

The girls are wearing on my husband.  
It is bringing him down as well.
It is so hard as a parent to see your children
not come to their full potential.
The boys bring him down as well.  
He sees so much potential in them.
He feels upset that they are just throwing opportunities away.
He felt his oldest did the same thing.

We rarely laugh any more.
We rarely smile any more.
He used to make a point to make me laugh every day.
We used to laugh all the time.

Some issues in my marriage came to the front again last week.  
We are working on it.
I feel he is being honest and will follow through this time.
This was my issue that made me realize...
I can not do this alone any more.
I am going to get help.
I need help.
I want to be HAPPY.
I want to be healthy.
I want to like me.
I do not want to cry anymore.

So please forgive me if I can not post.
Please do not give up on me.
I do not want to lose friends or followers.

Sometimes this is my only way I can get things out.
It will not be often.
Just sometimes.


  1. I'm so very sorry for all of your woes and sorrows. It is very difficult to carry one family, but a blended family, and your extended family as well. Sigh. That's a lot.

    I have no platitudes. I suspect this is why middle aged women tend to end up divorced. We are pulled in so very many directions that we stop putting some things first. We expect men to understand, to have the same sense of duty that we have. Alas, they really don't. I suspect they think we deliberately take too much on, or refuse to give things up.

    I know the ugliness of depression. My friend, Carol, told me yesterday I should consider depression meds because "your moods are all over the place." Yet, I think my moods match the stuff.

    You can send me raving emails and texts. I will read. If I can help, I will. Yet, as you know with so many of your issues, *you* can't fix them. We can't make people do what's right, cure diseases, or take the important steps. We are powerless to watch.

    Although this is not a step I would take, I know that you have had the comfort of a church in the past. Do you currently have a church home? Is it something you could find to help?

    I know you have a lot of friends. We will never leave. We all understand when you go quiet. Also, you might want an anonymous blog. My friend INRIS did it when his marriage was falling apart. Reading was invitation only. We helped him, and he gave us a view from the pew so to speak.

    I wish you sunlight and joy for today. I love you. (((HUGS)))

  2. Here. Present. Always.

    Life is ever changing which is what makes it worth living. Life is ever changing which is what makes it so difficult.



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