Saturday, December 15, 2012

My Heart Is So Heavy From Grief

What a week!! and not for the good.  After posting my grumpies, my oldest, Matthew called to inform me he cut off the tip of his finger a couple of days prior.  He sliced it right off, nail and all.  Thankfully, he did not cut off any of the bone.

Next day at work I was declined my vacation.  The only time we can have a family vacation.  Well, I was declined for now and will have to wait until they open more spots in April when they can re-evaluate.  This happened to me last year with the same two co-workers.  Very unfair that it is me each year.  I think it was the straw that broke the camel's back so to say.  After talking with one of the supervisors, they way she handled it, I kind of snapped.  I with drew and took most of my personals home.  The next day I spoke with the other supervisor about how I felt about how I have been treated.  I stood up, because I stood up, they are now taking away all of my extra job duties and I will be answering only the phones.  At first I was very angry about this, but now (today), I think I am fine with it.  I am not being paid more for it, I am not being recognized for it.  I am not going any where because of it.

Then Friday came, the news of Sandy Hook Elementary just sickened me.  It was hard for me to concentrate on phone calls and my duties I have until I train someone new to do them.  I became actually sick from it.  I was in the bathroom a lot.  I noticed Noah's status on facebook and wanted to just hug him.  I wanted to hug all of my children.  I could not explain to Noah why anyone so sick would do something like this.  It made me think of when he was in Kindergarten, his teacher, the innocence.  I read status on facebook, the pain they felt, some stupid comments about how guns do not kill people but people kill people.  Todd mentioned he had several friends posting this and he shared how he is holding back everything inside of him not to post..."yes, but if you take the guns out of the equation, children would still be alive."  He then told me there was a school in China where someone came into the school and stabbed several students today (Friday) only difference, no one died.  Guns do make the difference.

Reading what one first grade teacher did to protect her students actually made me cry.  It was hard for me to see the words on my screen to finish reading the article.  I did not sleep well.  I prayed.  I cried.  I prayed more.  I can not imagine how I would feel if I were one of the parents.  I can not imagine going home without my child only to see reminders of belongings, Christmas gifts under the tree.  One thing I do problems during the week, month, is so very minimal to what has happened.  I am thankful I have my children, grandson, nieces, nephews.  I am thankful I have my husband, sisters, mother.  I am thankful my father is still living and will manage to obtain the courage to be there and watch him go down, something I never did with my grandparents.  If these small children could be strong within their school, I can do this.

I am joining Magical Mystical Mimi.  She posted about Michelle at The Vintage Apple who is encouraging those in the blogging world to post this button on December 18 in remembrance and requesting a day of silence to support for the precious spirits lost, their families, and the community due to this senseless tragedy.  Michele has more information on her site regarding donations as well as a fundraiser she is hosting.  Please take the time to click on the link.



  1. Whew.. It certainly has been quite a week for you.. You have my prayers Jolene and thank you for posting about the day of silence and support with Michelle from 'The Vintage Apple.' I would like to see all of us participate in this. Thank you again and God Bless. (Hugs)

  2. When it rains, it pours! I'm so sorry that lots of things happened all at once. I can't even comment on the Sandy Hook incident. It hits too close to home.


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