Saturday, March 2, 2013

Confessions From The Heart

Yesterday I had my doctor appointment and I have never been more ashamed of myself.  EVER EVER EVER!  I have known for awhile I am not healthy.  I was not fooling myself any one bit.  I knew I needed to become more healthier.  I have been trying but not giving it 100%.  I knew how much I weighed, although the doctor's scales reads three pounds heavier.  My kidneys ache from time to time.  It is an odd ache, not true pain but a nuisance, letting me know they are there.  (This was one of Todd's signs and why he went to the doctor six years ago and was diagnosed with diabetes.)  At times, I am dizzy for unknown reasons.  I also at times have get the case of the shakes and once I eat they go away.  All of this known is why I was not fooling myself when I went to the doctor.

The doctor and I talked about issues.
  • Me crying at the drop of the hat, sometimes just sitting at my desk.   I explained the issues at work and my dad.  We talked about options to assist this and I explained at this time I would like to try something natural or herbal if there is anything.  St John's Wort will be my first solution.
  • How irregular my periods are.  I only had three last year.  The two years prior it was couple months no show and then one month pattern.  The blood work I will have done Tuesday morning will test for menopause.
  • My knees.  There was nothing he can give me except the treadmill will be a great way to exercise with less pressure on the knees.  He mentioned the treadmill cushions more than walking outdoors.  I do not know about that but that is what he told me.
  • The possibility of being diabetic.  Now here is where I messed up.  I did not have lunch on Friday because in order to leave early I had to work through my lunch and we were busy, so I could not eat my sandwich and work.  My appointment was as soon as I was off work, so I did not have time to eat prior.  I am sure this hindered some of my quick blood tests reading.  I can not remember now what he told me the actual number was, it was either 61.3 or 60.3 and diabetes is officially 61.5 or 60.5.  Normal was is 57.  Tuesday I have to take the fasting blood test, so they can make a better determination, for now he will call me prediabetic.  
  • We discussed how I need to be regular with my routine visits.  I have to have another mammogram and depending on the pap smear will determine if I need to schedule a yearly exam one or two years now that I am older.  
  • Problems sleeping at night.  Melatonin will be something I take for this now.
He gave me my paperwork and print out of the visit summary sheet and I went to the check out and scheduled my blood work to be done since he wanted it as soon as possible.  This Tuesday.  I walked to my car and got in.  I took my phone out and called the hospital to set up my mammogram.  I am serious.  I know I need to do something to become healthier.  I then read my summary sheet and cried.  I cried and cried from seeing the word "Obesity" under one of my diagnosis.  I know I am, but to see it listed as a diagnosis hit me hard.  How in the hell did I let myself get this large?  Why? I mean I know nearly a little more than 100 pounds of it was a side affect from the birth control shot but I stopped getting the shot in 1999.  Why did I not take care of myself then?  I am so ashamed of myself.  I honestly need to give 100% to me now.  My children are old enough, they do not require me to take care of them as much when they were younger.  The time is for Jolene now.  I know the fact of being beaten up from interviews and no offers yet, the stress at work knowing I am going no where on top of it all and my father is not helping my spirits but I KNOW I will over come this.  I do not have a choice in the matter.



  1. Well, first of all, I am sending you a great big hug to try and make you feel better after beating yourself up over the weight!!! We all slide into inaction and eat too much for the movements we are making.. I am nearing my seventh decade which scares the life out of me, and I have been carrying the extra poundage for quite a very long time.. however I am making, like you will, a determined effort to take off a few weight loads in the next year so my joints are not under duress. I have had both knees done and my right hip, so that did not help with exercising... however taking my dog out every day for a walk has helped.. so, my dear, stop crying and wailing about how you feel and get walking as much as you can as well as portion sizes and you will see a difference.. Besides, in my day, everyone over forty was considered past it, and therefore size never mattered... we are all clinging to the idea of eternal youth... somewhere like always, we have to find balance.. which you and I will, we just have to find it first!!!! Good luck, and more hugs coming your way... chin up old girl!! janzi

    1. Thank you Janzi. I know it will get better by me doing it and I know I can. I think it just hit me wrong reading it. My treadmill is all set and waiting for me when I get back on Sunday. I plan to use the exercise room at the hotel today, no days off just because I am away. ;) I have to put forth effort each and every day.

  2. oh wow hoe you are able to work things out and get healthy i'm here rooting for you and supporting.

  3. YES you WILL turn this around. I am so happy that you said, "the time is for Jolene now." That is SO important. Don't look at this as "bad news." It's simply information, most of which you already knew. Don't be down on yourself about it. I know it's hard but it's just information and it's not about dieting and exercise per se, it's about a life style change. Breaking old habits and implementing new ones. I'm very proud of you for taking this by the horns. If it turns out that you are diabetic, if it's type II, losing weight and making different food choices can make that go away. :) Moment by moment Miss Jolene. St. John's Wort and Melatonin are both good places to start for your mood and sleep. Getting good sleep and enough sleep is key. - I've been there. I know.. Hugs to you and a big rah rah!! That's me cheering you on. :D

    1. Thank you MiMi. I did well with diet with each of my pregnancies. I was gestational diabetic with each of them, each was worse then the other. My last one, they wanted to put me on insulin but I had him the next week. It will be a change but it is a liveable change. I don't want to stop baking. I love baking and the kids love eating it as well as Todd. I have been working on getting more diabetic friendly baking for him, now I will just make even more. A lot of new recipes to try for baking. :)

  4. You can do it! I just started back to Pilates because I want to get into shape. Ask your dr. about Pilates, especially the Reformer will make your core stronger!

    Maybe we can encourage each other!!!



Thank you for stopping by and showing the love. I will reply back by email unless you have a no-reply email address set up and then I will reply within the comments.

He Loves Me