Sunday, December 29, 2013

Sunday's Song

 {Please play prior to reading my post.}

This weeks Sunday Song is what I am feeling right now.  Yesterday was a very difficult day. I spent an afternoon with my Mother, three of my sons, two of my sisters and their family, my Mom's boyfriend, my husband and my Father.  

My niece Miranda was in rare beautiful form.  She smiled, first smile I have seen with my own eyes in nearly three years. She talked to me (baby babble) and sung with me.  She even giggled while I tickled her. She will forever shine and Angel Rays are watching over her.

One of my son's stopped to see his Dad prior to going to my Mom's for our Christmas celebration.  My Mom and he were talking about his Dad's job.  In February the office he works will close down. My Mom was asking if his Dad has a job prospect yet.  My son mentioned that my ex-husband is trying to relocate closer to the boys.  Oh, I have such mix emotions about this, major fear. My ex-husband has been planting seeds into my youngest about living with him.  My youngest wants to spend time and get to know his father in the worse way.  He was four years old when we moved to Iowa City and their father has spent very little time with them.  To be honest, he does not know his father.  My heart is breaking when it comes to this because in some ways I feel abandoned by three of my children at times when it comes to their father.  I am not saying I should be first at all times, but when we are all together, I am pushed in the back.  Now, I know logically why, they rarely see him.  I am the one who has to discipline them and they know I am the one that will always be here for them.  If this comes true and he does move closer, I still cannot agree and let my youngest live with him.  I cannot because of the past history.  My second oldest tells me he has changed, to that I say I am glad, however my boys are not worth the chance to show he has changed.  The youngest two are at a mouthy stage, you know teenagers, this is when he became abusive with my oldest.  Now, what I hope is he will keep his visitations and the younger two will have time with him where they can get to know him.  I also hope that the stressful life I had with him and his wife does not reappear again. I will just have to put my faith in the Lord with that one.  I know in the end when they grow, they will see everything I have done for them, so in the end (maybe years from now) I will shine because I did have Angel Rays watching over me.

Finally, my Dad.  Now, with this one I am having a hard time even putting this into words.  This song could be about our relationship.  He definitely earned another chance and the time:

But time will heal what your heart conceals
And this I know too well
The road you’ve known that takes you home
Is waiting strong and true
For this child of mine
She’ll forever shine
Angel Rays watch over you 

I fear the worse for my Dad now. He told me how much pain he is in.  He shared what the procedure of draining the fluid all pertains for him and how painful it was.  It looks like he is needing this every week now.  He has fluid building up around his ankles and fluid is leaking from the pore making his socks wet.  He is getting confused now big time.  He told me he does not want to be drained any more because of the pain.  I think he is beginning to give up.  I fear he wanted to make it through Christmas and Lisa's and My birthday and since he made it, now ...

My heart is full of emotions; love, joy, fear, and sadness from this weekend's visit. 


1 comment:

  1. I hope you feel better. I can understand your mixed emotions.


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