Sunday, May 18, 2014

Did I Miss Something? Part Two

Part 2

My world feels as if it is spinning out of control lately and I have to grab the world by it's axis and set it back in it's place.  It has definitely been rocked and not in the good manner.

Monday when I came home things were normal busy.  Work is always stressful on Mondays, I rushed home. Todd picked up Taj from daycare.  I was busy trying to get dinner completed, Taj was running in and out of the kitchen wanting something. My youngest comes out to me wearing my cashmere scarf saying something like he is so awesome he can pull off this look.  I just look at him and chuckle and then tell him to take it off because it is too warm for that scarf and he will make it stink more than he has already made it stink by wearing it this past winter and how I have to take it to the dry cleaner to get cleaned.  {He is still in that phase of thinking it is okay not to be so clean.} He does as I ask and then shortly later he comes into the kitchen stating this is a good look and how he really likes it.  Again, he mentions how awesome he is and it will work on him. He has his collar standing straight up and the shirt completely buttoned up.  I chuckle once more and reach out to it stating that the 80's style is coming back but he need to have it away from his neck a little and unbutton the top button.  He stated no he likes it just as it is.  I then went on and told him how his father wore his collar up when I first met him.  Nothing different with his attitude. He was acting the same he always does. He laughed during dinner and all was normal, so I thought.  I definitely missed something! {Now, I know he was trying to cover up the rope burns.} I managed to make it through the entire day with out one tear or watery eyes.  

Next day started like usual.  My youngest is typically in the shower when I leave. I tap on the bathroom door and tell him I love him and hope he has a good day, he yells back that he loves me and hopes I have a good one too.  Near ten am I get a call from the school.  The guy tells me my son has been in his office now for a more than an hour and he would like to have a meeting with me. {sigh} I am thinking great he was tardy to school again. The first three months of this year he has been tardy a total of 11 days.  That is a lot of days being tardy.  I thought great we are now moving to the next disciplinary action with this.  I mention something about me checking to see if I can take a longer lunch hour and make up the time.  The guy then tells me he does not mean to scare me but he has to come right out with it.  My son tried to hang himself the night before and has significant rope burns around his neck from the attempt. I tell him I am on my way.

Naturally I called my husband and told him.  I also frantically called my ex's family to try to find my ex.{He keeps his phone number and address from me. No clue why because I was not the stalker and personally I can care less, it only matters when it comes to the boys.}  No matter how much I hate the man and yes, I hate him, I will always do what is the right thing for my children if I have the power.  I know he has some doing with my youngest feeling like he has no value and he is their father.  I rushed to the school and my husband met up with me.  The school counselor and my youngest were in his office.  I heard him tell me how he tried three times to hang himself.  Yes, not once but three attempts! I kept asking what did I miss?  He shared with me he was depressed but he did not act like it.  Why did I not act on it?  I honestly thought he was playing one of his attention getting tricks because he did not act depressed. 

We took him to the ER and they ask questions, I hear more details.  Why did I not act on this?  Why did I not notice it was more than just the typical teen blues?  I do not think I am in denial.  He just did not show the typical depression signs at least what I thought were signs.  I do not know I must have missed something while I was grieving!  He did research on the most effective way to hang someone.  He has an Internet friend he has never met, {Whoa back up.  Yes, I have met several friends from whom I have made friends with via Internet, I even met my husband from a dating web site, but I got to know these people and never gave my address to them. Well a couple for swapping parties.}  This friend of his, he met through online gaming and I did not think much of it at first. He talked a lot about him but he also talks a lot about his other friends to me.  One day he told me how this friend is going to visit him this summer.  I looked at him and asked if his parents were making a stop while they are on vacation here?  Why would they come from Canada to Iowa?  He told me no, just his friend and he gave him our address.

Red flags were waving big time with me about this friendship.  We had a conversation about the dangers of the Internet and how some people are not who they say they are and how there are wicked people in this world. He looked at me like a typical teenager would look at their parent and I heard less about this friend from this point on.  I have found out from the doctors they want me to check into this friend more. I guess this friend has discussed in length about killing himself. They felt this friend may have planted the seed.  After what I told them everything I know about this friend they plan on having an Internet safety class which my son will attend.  We ended up committing him.  He is there still getting help. I was very against anti-depressants for adolescents because when my oldest was taking them eleven years ago he was that 8% black box warning.  The doctors printed out research and explained he needs this in order to become well, a year the tops.  After reading the research talking to the doctors I told them to go ahead with medication.  {One thing nice about this is my ex is finally backing me up with decisions and doing what is best for our boys.  This is the way it should have always gone.  I hope he continues this path because it is the best for them.}

When I visit my youngest {the second visit was the worst} he is having problems accepting there will be changes in the house.  He disagrees with the restrictions which will be in place.  I have to proof our house to be a safe house.  He will be limited on the Internet.  He will be limited where he can go.  He will have no privacy because I will have to look at everything.  He hates all of this. He feels he found meaning and we should not be punishing him. We should be trusting him. We have tried to explain that it is not punishment it is protecting.  I do have faith in him, that he does want to be healthier, the trust will come when I know he is better, until then restrictions will be in place, some for a shorter amount of time than others.  This is going to be a long and bumpy ride my friends, long and very bumpy.

The way my youngest seeks attention in some ways, I feel he has gotten exactly what he wanted, he is like his friends now on medication and has everyones attention. I know that is sad to say but I cannot help feel this way.  I cannot help feel this is why he does not get why he is going through what he is now.  He thought go to the hospital talk a little be placed on meds and WA-LA go back to life as you have known it.  He seriously thought this.  Life cannot be as it was before regardless if it was an act of his past pattern for attention or if he seriously has depression.  I mean HE SERIOUSLY ATTEMPTED TO TAKE HIS LIFE the mediation of  the act being because he actually has depression or attention does not matter at one bit.  He does need help.  The doctors have complimented me and told me they are proud I have restrictions and they are proud that I am not trying to being his friend and plan to follow through even with all the tears and anger he is displaying.  They told me this is a good mother.  Although I have always felt this way, I do feel I failed in some ways because I missed something.

Yes, I have anger issues about this. Yes, I  have guilt about this. Yes, I was shocked that he would do something like this when he talked down to another friend who did something like this. Yes, I am very concerned about this.  Yes, I have cried over it.  Yes, I think he was being selfish.  Yes, I think he was crying out for help.  Regardless how I feel  I did miss something and beating myself up over it is not going to help him or anyone.  At this point, no more tears in front of my children only a strong woman once again.  Behind my doors the wild and lunatic will be let out of her shell.  I know my husband can handle it.  He is my rock.
I guess the main thing I want you to take away from my post is that this can happen to anyone.  Know the signs, evaluate, and get help even if it is just something you think is just the typical blues.  It may just be that but do not wait like I did. Do not miss something because you may not be as lucky as I am.  My youngest is still alive.



  1. Hello I am Tosin ,I am out here to spread this good news to the entire world on how I got my ex husband back.I was going crazy when my husband left me and my two kids for another woman last month, But when i met a friend that introduced me to dr abuya the great messenger to the oracle of dr abuya healing home,I narrated my problem to dr abuya about how my ex Husband left me and my two kids and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,24 hours later,My Ex Husband called me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me and the kids before now and one week after my Husband called me to be pleading for forgiveness,I was called for interview in a very big company here in USA were i needed to work as the managing director..I am so happy and overwhelmed that i have to tell this to the entire world to contact dr abuya on his personal email address and get all your problem solve..No problem is too big for him to solve..Contact him direct on: and your problem will be solve.

  2. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I will keep you all in my prayers.

  3. Oh, Jolene, I'm so sorry you have had to deal with this. The teenage years are difficult and they do pass. One day you will look back and wonder where they had gone. When I was in your situation, I had to learn, like you, that your job is to protect them and that is what you are doing. So grateful he is safe and getting treatment. Will be thinking of you, Jolene.

  4. Thinking & praying for you all that you will get through this difficult time. You are a great Mom & keep up the great work! Hugs💚

  5. Oh Jolene! Hang in there. I don't have kids so I can't identify with you but, I do appreciate your honesty in your writing and you do have my prayers.


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