Monday, April 6, 2015

A Day I Want To Call Do Overs!

Today is a hard day for me in so many ways...

One year ago today was the last time I was able to hear my Dad's voice.
One year ago today was the last time I saw his smile.
One year ago today was the last time I heard him say I love you, his voice, and his laugh.
One year ago today was the last time I felt his hug and kiss.
One year ago today was the last time he heard me say I love you.
One year ago today was the first time I ever saw fear in my Dad's eyes when I told him I will see him next week and he told me no, because he will not be here next week.
One year ago today was the last time I saw him be brave for his child.  As soon as he saw the shock and sadness in my face after I said what did you say, he softened his fear and chuckled with I will try honey, I cannot promise but I will try.

 Oh, my!  I wish I could re-live this day and call do overs.  I would spend more than 2 hours with him.  I would listen to him and ask for the following days off instead of listening to his hospice nurse who told me he would make it through the week, he has cannot feel his body shutting down like he was saying.  He knew.

My grieving was interrupted by Noah, who now wants to be called by his middle name, Christian or Chris, trying to kill himself and battle with his depression and other mental issues.  Stage one of grieving: Denial and Isolation.  I was very much in denial the day he died because I was supposed to be there.  He died less than ten to four hours before I was planning on being there.  Isolation, I felt very isolated for the first month until Christian's ordeal...then I was stuck.  Stage two: Anger and Stage three: Bargaining.  This is where I am now.  I am so angry with my ex for not paying child support to me in March where I could not afford every week going to Des Moines and seeing him like I had from the time he became hospice.  Angry with myself for the pride of not asking Todd for help money wise because he would have given the money to drive to Des Moines every weekend to see my Dad.  Angry with myself for not listening to my Dad instead of the hospice nurse. I could have had two more days with him.  Angry with Christian for being so selfish and inconsiderate for trying to take his life not even a month after I lost my Dad.  Angry would describe my feelings.  Bargaining is also where I am trying to regain control with the if onlys... You know if only I asked Todd for help.  If only I listened to him.  If only I was aware of what was going on with Christian instead of grieving for my Dad.  I try to make a deal with God to allow me to see Dad in my dreams, but my Dad does not show up.

Stage four is depression.  I think stage four hit me before stage two and three.  I do not know why maybe it was the entire dealing with Christian incident. Finally Stage five acceptance. 

Today I found out at Christian's therapy last Thursday he overdosed on his medication.  He had been doing much better where I gave him the freedom of coming into my bedroom and getting his medications in front of me.  He took six times the amount on Thursday and four times the amount on Friday and doubled on Saturday.  I am still waiting to hear back from the doctor if we have any concerns with organs or not.  I have to say, I am very tired of this dance, you know moving forward and then a few steps back.  I am so ready to keep forging forward and skip the going back.

I wish life was just that easy and call do overs because I would go back to one year ago today.


1 comment:

  1. What a touching post girl, you grieve all you want, and let the anger out too...It feels so unjust when all that love and energy goes , I was just as bereft when I lost my mum first and then a year later my dad.. even over 13 years later, I miss them both like crazy... then to have to put up with your boys mental anguish is enough to send anyone crazy too... I feel your pain and loss, but we managed to keep them with us, for longer than many others are able to do so, we should remember that and feel grateful that we kept them to a time when we could appreciate them as real people and not just as our parents... That helped me through the hard grief times, I hope it does for you.. As you know, that road with your son, is a very very long one, and its tough seeing them sink so low in depression that they want to do away with themselves... I hope that his organs are ok and not damaged but gosh that anxiety that this will leave you in, is not to be discounted.. I am sending you millions of hugs and best wishes from here in the UK and hope that the coming weeks are a bit kinder to you all.. xxxx Janzi


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